Crack, Science, Weird-Ass Events, and an Alternate Reality!
by Spider Milkshake
Summary: The most crack-filled epic of nonsense I've ever conceived. Behold as Uryu and Renji (and Pesche and Dondochakka) are thrust into an alternate universe mid-battle with the evil Octava Espada... Where everything seems to be the same... Almost. A few OCs, none very important. Some violence (or COURSE!), creepy freaks (of COURSE!) and sexual innuendos galore!
1. Madness Begins!

*Crack, Science, Weird-Ass Events, and an Alternate Reality!*

Alternate universes are weird.

In some, those who you would be sure are completely respectful and self-controlled lads and lasses are actually quite... rape-y...

In others, the kind-hearted are nasty and the nasty are nice and give money to charities for puppies with cancer. There's even one particular mind-f%*$ingly confusing one where Head Captain Kenpachi Unohana had made peace with the Arrancar Lord Arturo Plateado in the year 304 A.D. and there hadn't been any wars between the two societies since. And then there was that one where all the Arrancar were Soul Reapers and all the Soul Reapers were Arrancar. Oh, and there were over five hundred thousand Quincys still living.

Thankfully for any inter-dimensional travelers from the universe we are all familiar with, this particular alternate one is decidedly less different from ours. Some people are kinder or harsher, others who were once calm and passive are loud and aggressive, or vice versa. But there's no gender-bending, no age-swapping, no ancient event that completely rewrote history as we know it. The only thing that comes close is Sosuke Aizen's slight alteration to his Soul Reaper-y-ness...

He isn't one at all here-an Arrancar instead. Former Espada, actually, once a Quinta before he was replaced by Nnoitora Gilga (which turned out to be a set-up... Nnoitora was in on it along with Neliel Tu Oderschvank...). But, obviously, still the same cunning and vile bastard we all love to hate...

Others, however, are changed in more subtle ways. Some for the worse, and others for the better...

* * *

Section 1: The Madness Begins..!

* * *

The battle between the Octava Szayel-Aporro Grantz and the tag-team duo of Renji Abarai and Uryu Ishida was well underway. Just when it looked as if Uryu's Sprenger technique would win the day, Szayel emerged from the smog and did something rather nasty to recover...

* * *

*Narrator takes a brief break from the manga chapter to puke violently*

* * *

Anyways...

Then, something less than expected happened!

Behind a large pile of rubble the two disguised Arrancar Dondochakka Bilsten and Pesche Guatiche peeked back over once again, shaking uncontrollably. The large one spoke first.

"Aw, man... We gotta find a way ta get outta here Pesche!" he whimpered, "Dat guy's insane..! He's gonna lock us all up an' experiment on us if we don't all get away..!"

"You think I don't know that, Dondo?!" Pesche said, visibly knocking knees, "But how're we going to possibly get away?! That Soul Reaper and my friend Uryu are stuck on the idea of fighting him! We'll never be able to convince 'em to stop and be clever!"

"Whaddya mean..?" Dondochakka turned to the much smaller Arrancar, the hurt look on his face hidden by his false mask, "What... You think they don't take us seriously or somethin'..?"

"No! Of course not!" Pesche dismissed it, "It must be more of that 'because we're Hollows' thing or something silly like that." He sighed sadly, then bolted back upright.

"Waah!" Dondochakka yelped in alarm, "Don't make no sudden moves like dat, Pesche! Ya scared me!"

"I've got it!" Pesche cried out excitedly, seeming to ignore his friend's complaint in his excitement, "We'll create a massive distraction, then bash Renji and Uryu over the head and carry them off before anyone's the wiser!"

The two were silenced quickly when they looked over and realized that everyone in the room, involved in the fight or not, had just heard them and were staring over at them blankly. Szayel adjusted his cape. Uryu adjusted his glasses.

"Why, those-"Renji started, then trailed off silently fuming.

Uryu made an exasperated face. "Ugh... Don't waste time on those two idiots. WE need to concentrate on the task at hand..."

Behind the rubble the two Arrancar hunkered down and hoped that no one was coming to beat them over the face, unwilling "allies"or not. After a short time, Dondochakka lifted his head a bit. Pesche copied him a second later, but he didn't spy the same unusual row of machines that the large, somewhat mutant-like Arrancar did.

"Heeeey... What's dat?!"

"Huh? What's what?" Pesche whipped around. Dondochakka was already loping over to it curiously, "Whooo-_-_aah! Dondo_-_-don't touch that! You'll break it and the mad scientist will get even MADDER!"

In running over to stop his over-sized friend from inadvertently causing havoc, Pesche tripped over a thick power cord and was launched into his pal's back.

"Oof!" Dondochakka face-planted into the center of the controls, pressing them (and probably disabling them) all at once. Sparks flew up around the two Arrancar, who began flailing and scrambling to get away from the unpredictable apparatus.

In doing so, the sharp pincer portion of Pesche's fake mask severed the cable he was tangled in.

**_TZZZZZAAAAP!_**

Lights and electrical flashes burst throughout the room, alerting those fighting to the commotion. The Octava made an about face and shoved several Fracciónes blocking his view out of the way, his calm smug demeanor completely dissolved.

"What the hell is_-_-arrgh!" Szayel Aporro appeared to be frozen in place, surrounded by a sparking field of light alternating with shadows. The Fracciónes leaped back away from the weird current of energy, ironically being saved from its embrace by their evil Master's abusive shoves, "Wha..? What is this?! Why can't I move?!"

Several arcs of what looked like pale blue electricity flashed out, heading straight for the two invaders. Renji cursed and tried darting back toward the far end of the large room, but one fork of the unknown phenomena crept quickly along the floor and snagged one of his feet.

Uryu tried darting up and over, but a wall stopped his progress. Whipping around, the Quincy drew one of his few remaining Seeleschneider and spun it rapidly in the path of the glowing, shadowy fog, trying at the last to weaken and disperse whatever spiritual matter it was made of.

It did not appear to have any observable effect.

"Oh sh-_-_arrrgh!"

After the initial cries of alarm and surprise, it was shockingly and awkwardly silent among the five who were trapped in the strange fog. Then Renji began struggling wildly against the force that held him. Szayel's eyes flicked around, glaring at the red-haired Soul Reaper.

"Stop your pointless grunting, you useless dolt. Can't you see I'm trying to think?!"

"I don't care what you're trying to do! I'm trying to get out!" the Lieutenant replied. The Espada sneered.

"Well, isn't it the same with all of us... With one major difference-_-_I'm going about it the right way."

"You may be right, Arrancar, but you're hardly in any position to be gloating," Uryu chimed in. A vein bulged on the Octava's temple.

"The same for you, Quincy," came the much-annoyed snarl, "Count yourself lucky that I want you just alive enough to keep you as a specimen..."

"Um..." The timid sound was Pesche. He was frozen in mid-topple, upside down. Dondochakka was the same, but on his back, hovering over where Pesche was, "Blood...rushing to brain...ow, ow, ow..."

"I can't see ya, Pesche; where are ya?!" Dondochakka bawled, "I can't even wiggle my toes... an' now my nose itches!"

"Shut _UP_!" Szayel Aporro roared, looking over to his remaining rotund Fracción, "You, Verona, or whatever your name is, go over to that testing unit! Now!"

The twisted little creature waddled over anxiously, taking care to move around the field. He had to stand on his toes in order to see the screen.

"Finally..! Now, the blue set of switches... yes... no! ...NO! The blue one, you buffoon!" Szayel directed impatiently, "Yes, those! Hit the third one on the left side! NO! _Left_ side! Grraaah! You idiot! Now you've turned it off! _Wonderful_, now I have to turn it on again! The white rectangular button! Press it! Now hold it! Longer than that, you-_-_"

There was a collective gasp of alarm from the Fracciónes. Verona turned around cautiously and was startled to see that his abusive Master and his opponents had all vanished!

* * *

Author's Notes: Hello!

Item One: I do not consider Arrancar a category of Hollow (since there's... kind of a HUGE difference...). So you can keep that sort of confusion to yourself.

Item Two: I love those two rascals, the Comedy Bros! So goofy! NO ONE SHALL DEFAME THEM! *flames raise up*

Item Three: I likey reviews! Even if it is criticism (not the same as a flame, though), I take what I get! So have at me!

Item Four: Hope ya liked it: More is on its way!


	2. What the Hell!

*Crack, Science, Weird-Ass Events, and an Alternate Reality!*

* * *

Section 2: What The HELL?

* * *

Uryu was awakened to the sound of someone humming an unknown tune rather jauntily somewhere distantly. As he quickly called back the memories of where he had been before he lost consciousness he say upright abruptly and looked about in alarm. Wherever he was it was dark, and carried a lingering chemical smell. Self-consciously he checked himself over for any nasty tubes or wires, suspecting the worst. Something slightly damp and... tentacley... was by his left side, and upon touching it with his groping hands he scrambled backwards in horror, flinging the offending thing away.

"Unh..?" There was a groan at the other end of the space, right about where the Quincy had flung the wet thing, "What the hell is...AAAH!"

There was a great clatter, and the thing was tossed back, right into Uryu's lap. Fighting panic, Ishida took a second and prodded it further.

"Renji..?" Uryu guessed.

"EUAAH! Yeah, it's me!" Renji confirmed, "Who did you think it was?! And what is that slimy thing?!"

"Renji... It's a mop head."

A moment of silence passed.

"Grr... Well how was I supposed to know that?!" the Soul Reaper growled, sounding quite embarrassed, "It's dark as hell in here! And where is here?!"

"Shh..!" Uryu was on alert, listening hard, "Did you hear humming before..?"

"Uhh..." Renji uhhed, "I think so. Why?"

"I don't hear it anymore..."

The two were silent, and there was no sound for several seconds. Then there was a series of light, but hard-soled footsteps and the shuffling of fabric. Their blood ran cold at the sound they heard next.

"Hello..?" The voice was undoubtedly Szayel Aporro's!

* * *

*Outside the Dark Somewhere*

* * *

The Octava had been having a fairly ordinary day so far. The pink-haired scientist was just making his morning stroll to his laboratory, clipboard full of data in the crook of his arm, humming an old German anthem.

Then he thought he heard raised voices from within the lab complex. Coming to an abrupt halt, Szayel stood still and suspiciously glanced around, checking down two adjacent corridors. Who would be hanging around here at this hour?

"Hello..?" he called out, stepping up to the door and slowly, cautiously, pushing it open. It creaked ominously to which the Espada grimaced.

_I _must _remember to get that hinge oiled sometime soon...Sounds like it's from one of those ghastly horror films..._

"Is someone there?" He poked his head inside. Seeing no one in the dimness of the room, he sent one hand in and flicked the lights on. Still no one could be seen among the samples, the databanks, the various testing equipment.

"Verona? Lumina? Is that you?"

But there was no sign of his two little assistants.

And still not a sound, but Szayel Aporro had a very odd feeling. Odd enough to stimulate the need for further investigation. There were still spaces with closed doors within the lab's confines: The cold-storage, several closet spaces... Though he knew that that traitor Aizen was not due to begin his war on Las Noches for another month it was conceivable to him that the tyrant could have sent Soul Reapers allied with him into his palace for various reasons: Espionage, sabotage, a plain and simple assault!

That last one frightened him-machines could be repaired, defense measures could be adjusted, but though he was an Espada he was more doctor than fighter. Even as he crept a few paces inside the huge room the very thought of being ambushed made his skin crawl.

* * *

*Meanwhile...*

* * *

Back in the lab's janitorial supply, Uryu and Renji sat pressed against the opposite sides of the room, utterly baffled by what they were hearing. The two could see a bit better in the dark room now due to the thin beam of light entering through the crack under the door. Renji pawed anxiously at the hilt of his sword, grinding his teeth at the sound of the Octava's voice.

Uryu's puzzlement was visible even in the room's shadows.

"Lumina..?" he whispered, "Isn't that the one he..?"

"Huh?" Renji grunted, having not been paying much attention to the Quincy. Then he gave the statement some quick thought, "Hunh... Yeah, that is right..."

"Shh!" Uryu shushed him. Shadows were moving in the light near the bottom of the door. "Keep it down. We don't want to speed up our discovery if possible..."

"Right..."the Soul Reaper settled down, but kept his hand still on the hilt of his weapon.

* * *

Szayel Aporro was just as puzzled as the two hiding in his closet. He was sure he had heard voices in here-how could he have been mistaken? Perhaps there was a leak in one of his psychoactive drugs. He strode over past the row of supply cabinets and checked the racks which held the bulbous containers carefully, particularly the one with gaseous contents.

Straightening he half-crossed his arms and cradled his chin in hand. There was no sign of a leak. Now this was getting odd. The pink-haired doctor began to think that maybe he had miscalculated the source of the noise. He gave a heavy sigh of relief, for one of few times in his existence glad to be wrong. Now he could get some work done.

Moving to a comms panel etched into the wall by the door and lighting controls, Szayel plugged in a flurry of keys by habit and spoke towards the device in an amiable chirp.

"Oh, lab assistants for today-_-_whenever you're ready!"

There was only two or three seconds' silence before a slightly static-filtered response came.

"Yes, my Lord-we're coming now..!"

"_Gooood!~_" the Espada cooed, smiling much more broadly than his face looked capable of handling. Flicking off the comms, he made a swift about face and strode over to the project where he had left off the day before.

* * *

Uryu and Renji stared at each other throughout, their faces drawn and frozen in a weird look of prolonged "what the hell". The snap of their unwary adversary pulling on latex gloves seemed to bring Uryu back to consciousness; the Quincy crept stealthily over to the door and peered through the tiny crack. Renji bit his lip as he observed his comrade's actions, not convinced that such a move was a good idea.

"Uryu..!" he whispered harshly, "What're you doing..?! Get away from there..!"

"Shh!" Uryu shushed him as quietly as possible. The Quincy watched intently for a few minutes; Szayel Aporro entered his view, a surgeon's mask and gloves on, his back to their hiding place as he examined several small beakers with mysterious contents under the light of some strange apparatus. He began humming once again, this time something a few centuries more modern, a jazz-ish tune that Uryu was a bit too young to recognize. Uryu took a break and sat back, blinking rapidly in a stunned silence. Those machines had not been in plain sight the last time they had encountered the devious Octava. Were they in a different room then? He couldn't have captured them. There was no way the mad scientist would be stupid enough to leave captives tossed in a closet, unrestrained or undrugged. He had to not know they were there.

And though he wasn't acting necessarily... stable, he also wasn't rambling to himself about being a perfect specimen of humanity and needing to crush all the other "insignificant worms". Honestly, that was the biggest surprise.

"I know what I'm about to say sounds crazy," he looked over to Renji, still pouting over sitting idle with an arch nemesis so close to slashing distance, "but doesn't that Szayel Aporro character seem less... _evil_ all of a sudden?"

"What..?!" Renji spat, eagerly inching his zanpakuto out of its sheath, "Don't be dumb. He just doesn't know we're here yet."

"Hmm... but what about that round Arrancar still being alive?" Uryu argued while adjusting his glasses, somehow getting them to shine with reflected light in the closet's darkness, "That's pretty hard to explain away. I know Arrancar powers are weird, but... We saw that one get... you know."

* * *

"Hmm..?" Szayel suddenly looked up and peeked over each shoulder in turn. He could have sworn he heard and sensed something just now. He straightened and set the beaker he was currently holding down, then stood back and pulled he surgeon's mask from its normal position so that it rested dormant on his neck, "Hmmm..."

It was clear now. Someone, or something, was hiding somewhere in his own laboratory out of sight, and was suppressing its spiritual presence to avoid detection. It couldn't be a Hollow then-or at least not the typical one. Who would allow a Hollow to enter Las Noches anyway? Such a reckless action was illegal-_-_punishable by death if any person came to harm as a result.

_No, _he told himself, _it's far more likely to be a trained sort, some Soul Reaper or Arrancar, at least the strength of a fourth or fifth seat to be able to conceal themselves so easily..._ Szayel knew that was a level of power that wasn't actually uncommon for either classification of dead guys with swords. But he was still afraid_-_-that was _the weakest_ the intruder could be, and even then their strength told him nothing of that intruder's intentions! It could simply be some other Espada's Fracción who wandered in drunkenly and passed out out of sight, but it could just as easily be an elite assassin from the notorious Squad Two, hiding in the shadows, poison smeared on his (her?) blade, waiting to leap out and_-_-_Brr!_

The hairs were standing up on the back of his neck, and he wanted very much to call in some of his more war-like Fracciónes. But he knew that to reveal that he knew the trespasser was here would be foolish and a bit hasty. Feigning a casual attitude, Szayel resisted the urge to keep his dominant hand near the hilt of his sword as he sidled over to some filing databanks. He cast a wary eye about his periphery as he twiddled with some of the more benign controls, pretending to be occupied with some sciencey task...

* * *

Renji and Uryu stopped breathing for a few moments. When the Octava seemed to go back to his business Renji frowned deeply.

"I think we both saw that," he whispered, "That guy's acting could use some improvement..."

"Yeah. Stilted," he responded, so quiet he was almost mouthing the words, "I think the game is up. Whatever's happening, we're not going to get any answers by hiding from an enemy that knows we're here."

"Finally!" Renji smiled savagely.

* * *

At the opposite end of the room from the tense Arrancar a pair of doors flew open.

"Yeeaagh!" Szayel yelped, jumping about six inches in surprise. He whirled around, left hand clutching his chest, right hand twitching in mid-air halfway to his sword. Five Fracciónes, two in the fighting-class white-and-black and the rest in the green-grey, unbelted uniform of the medic class, ground to a halt in the doorway at the sound of their Master's shriek. The Espada relaxed considerably when he identified the source of the sound.

"Damn." Renji muttered. Uryu stopped trying to summon his bow and slapped his palm to his face.

"Ahaha..Ah, just you_-_-don't ever do that again," Szayel laughed, slumping with hands on knees, "I nearly had a heart attack..."

"Ee! Eh, Ah!"

The two eerily familiar-looking Arrancar in white skipped forward. They were odd, with small plump bodies, thin limbs, and round faces-easily dwarfed by their master and obviously bearing more than the usual amount of physical misshaping from their time as Hollows. But they were not as deformed as Uryu and Renji remembered them. The two scurried up almost right at Szayel's feet and began bowing profusely.

"We sorry Lord Szayel Aporro! It never happen again, we swear!"

Szayel gave the two a dumb-founded but benign look, then silenced them with a raised hand. Renji covered his eyes with his free hand and turned away from the door's crack.

"Arrgh, I keep seeing it in my head again..." he muttered to himself, "I'm scarred for life already from the first time..."

"Shh..!" Uryu shhed. Renji's tattooed eyebrow twitched in mounting annoyance at being repeatedly shushed.

"Now, now... I wasn't being serious. It's quite alright," the Octava reassured his two funny-looking charges, "I was just... preoccupied. It was my fault really."

Lumina and Verona looked at each other, then hopped upright spewing gratitude and indeterminate excited noises.

"Ooh! Thankyouthankyouthankyou Lord Szayel Aporro! You're so gracious and humble and kind and caring and wonderful and nice and good-looking and-_-_"

"Alright! Alright... That's enough of that," Szayel again had to shut them up prematurely, "I'd rather we not waste too much time today. Shall we begin?"

The two Fracciónes grinned from ear to ear, almost in a literal sense. They scampered off to the rows of samples where Szayel had been earlier.

"Yaaay! Science time! Science time! Science time!"

Renji's sword hand shook impatiently as he clenched it harder. Uryu stood and began summoning his bow as he reached for the door's latch.

"Well, this complicates things," he said, "But I'm still going out there to see what's going on."

"About damn time! Move!" Renji growled, "I think I'll just break the door down."

"Wha_-_-? Hold on, Renj_-_-"

"Better safe than sorry! Knowing that creep, the 'nice' thing is a front," the Soul Reaper scowled and grinned at the same time, "Roar! Zabimaru!"

_**CRRRSH!**_

Szayel's heart skipped a beat as he turned to see the janitorial supply's door flying forward at high speed, the hinges snapping easily as a huge force sent it straight at him, his samples, and directly for one of his medic Fracciónes who had just wandered into the unorthodox missile's path.

_She's not fast enough to dodge that! _He realized, _And my samples! ...This is going to hurt!_

The Octava darted in front of both medic and precious scientific data using his Sónido.

_**WHUMPH!**_

The door crashed squarely against the whole of the Espada's frame, the white stone it was constructed of spiderwebbing with a multitude of cracks, then falling apart in several large and small chunks. As it fell away Szayel was revealed, feet spread and planted firmly against the impact, chin tucked and his arms crossed protectively over the rest of his face. The Octava straightened up, rubbing the stinging areas of his forearms. He appeared unhurt aside from that.

Immediately his gaze searched out the hidden enemy that had just launched the attack.

He appeared shocked when he saw who was responsible.

"R-_Renji_..?!"

* * *

Author's Notes:

*Lumina and Verona appear!*

Lumina: Hi!

Verona: Hi hi hi!

Lumina: Okay, so you know...

Verona: ...You read story, giggle lots, think it funny...

Lumina: ...Or you see nasty bad typo, or think it need clear up time and stuff...

Verona: ...Then you leave review!

Lumina: Yay! And nasty bad cussing flamers go...**there...!**

*She points down a set of suspicious stairs*

Verona (whispers): That where Master Szayel Aporro do his stupidity testing!

O_o

Where did that come from..?!


	3. Oh Crap!

*Crack, Science, Weird-Ass Events, and an Alternate Reality!*

* * *

Section 3: Oh Crap!

* * *

"R-_Renji.._?!"

Renji's attack came to a staggered halt; he reflected the Espada's stunned expression.

"Wha...What is the meaning of this?!" The Octava's eye was drawn to Uryu, who was exiting the closet in a far less violent manner, "And... Uryu?! What in HELL do you two think you're _doing_?!"

"Err..." Renji awkwardly kept his Shikai half-poised to attack, "Weren't you... just trying to kill us..?"

"NO!" Szayel roared, becoming twitchy, "That was _you_, Renji! _You_ just attacked ME-_-_" Then very suddenly he stopped, partially crossing his arms and glancing about suspiciously between Renji, Uryu, and the janitorial closet, "Why..." he began, "were you two hiding in a closet..? Did you inhale chemical fumes or something? Is that why you're trying to _murder_ me?!"

Uryu stepped forward, causing the Octava's tough act to drop instantly as he flinched away. But then, much to Renji's surprise, the Quincy disarmed his spirit bow.

"Hmm...Weird," he began, gazing around at the environment. He had noticed some similarities in the architecture, but also huge differences in everything else. The two quivering little mutant Fracciónes were like those the Quincy knew as Lumina and Verona, but somehow they had drastically changed in appearance. They weren't blobs of meat anymore, somehow. Not to mention that the one he'd witnessed being half-eaten alive didn't look particularly eaten at the moment.

And there was always Szayel's sudden turn towards sanity. Well, maybe not sanity, but he seemed utterly horrified at the idea that the two former enemies would attack him.

"Maybe I was right...Something is definitely off here. You, Espada, are not as I remember you."

"_What!?"_Renji turned and gave his comrade a funny look.

"I... beg your pardon?" Szayel Aporro joined the Lieutenant in his funny look, "Explain yourself! What do you mean by this?"

"Now that I think about it, you're almost an exact opposite of how I remember you," Uryu pondered, appearing to ignore them both, "You're not trying to kill us or turn us into specimens at least... And your Fracciónes all look normal...er." He eyed Lumina as she peeked out from behind a table, "And you don't even seem to remember fighting us at all. It's almost like you aren't even the same person."

"I should hope not!" Szayel blinked, seeming somewhat insulted by this description and still keeping a watchful eye on the released weapon in Renji's hand, "It wouldn't be very bright of me to attack my allies, especially in our situation with the impending war thing and all. And here I'm assuming what you're describing even happened."

"Could that weird fog have done something to us?!" Renji suddenly burst out un a flash of insight. Uryu's eyes widened as he remembered the phenomena.

"Maybe... We didn't even know what it was or what caused it. It could have done anything..." he admitted. Szayel cocked an eyebrow and leaned in curiously.

"Fog?"

Renji turned back around and yelped in alarm upon seeing that the Octava had crept up to within a foot or two of him. Equally spooked by the Soul Reaper's reaction, Szayel Aporro threw up both hands in a gesture of peace and scrambled to get away from the risk of being clobbered with Zabimaru.

"Eheh... Easy, Renji..." he grinned nervously, "Let's just... put the sword down, at least until we_ all _know what's going on."

"Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, creep?" Renji sneered, "Yeah! Kindly put down your only real defense so I can hook you up to some machine that sucks your guts out! So I can experiment on them! Or maybe just EAT them! Oh, yeah, I'll go right ahead and do_ that_!"

Szayel Aporro's expression traded back and forth between utter "huh?", hurt feelings, and stunned revulsion. He reached up and rubbed his eyes like one who feels a headache coming on. He glanced towards Uryu.

"This is very strange..." he murmured, "Very strange! Would you say that Renji is always like this?"

"Unfortunately, yes," Uryu responded dryly. Renji glared daggers at him, "Are you saying you also remember us differently?"

"Yes," Szayel paced a semi-circle around the Quincy, "And you seem different as well."

"Um... Thanks?" Uryu blinked, "Well, at least you're not trying to kill us."

"Yes, I heard about those rumors of me doing that..." the Espada chuckled weirdly, closing his eyes. "Ah, you mentioned a fog-like phenomenon?" he probed, opening his eyes again.

"You absolutely sure you trust this guy..?" Renji asked, watching the pacing Arrancar suspiciously, "How do you know this isn't just a ruse to get us to lower our guard?"

"Renji, my friend, please-_-_" the Octava began in an earnest tone, but he was cut off rudely by the paranoid Soul Reaper.

"I didn't wanna hear it from_ you_, nutcase!"

He was about to say more when the two little Fracciónes Lumina and Verona could take no more character assassination of their Master, dashing up together to confront him.

"That IT! Stop being mean to Lord Szayel Aporro!" Lumina demanded, pointing an accusing finger at Renji's tattooed eyebrows.

"Lord Szayel Aporro not crazy hurt people eating people man!" Verona stamped an over-sized foot.

"He not creep neither!"

"Not even a little creep. Master is very nice, lotsa peoples likey!" Verona growled like a small dog, "You is the nutcase... Meanie, bad, rude, mean, red, pineapple-head, bad-man..!"

"That's quite enough! I mean, that's enough," Szayel suddenly roared out, completely putting a halt to all Fracciónes and confused intruders alike. Lumina and Verona cringed and groveled, whimpering apologies whilst pawing at and petting the hems of their Espada's clothing, "No, it's alright, it's alright. I'm not angry." The Octava sighed, taking a step back and extricating the end of his shirt from Verona's long fingers, "I appreciate your trying to defend me, but it's really not necessary. Now go and finish recording those results."

Instantly the two seemed to forget all about Renji's insulting behavior in the shadow of their Master's command. The two skipped off happily back to their stations, chirping and giggling the whole way.

Renji blinked and shook his head vigorously. He reluctantly disarmed his Shikai and sheathed the ordinary katana it had reverted to.

"Alright... I _guess_ I believe you now Uryu," he admitted. To this Szayel Aporro brightened, smiling one of his less creepy smiles as he began taking a step towards the pair. His moment of gladness was killed as Renji put a hand on the sword's hilt again, "But the second he tries anything funny I'm cutting him into little pieces!"

With an exasperated sigh the Espada ceased his approach.

"Fine, point taken-_-_I won't come any closer," he scrutinized the two familiar, yet unfamiliar, allies.

In his world they would ordinarily be his allies. Their personalities were so... What was it? Reversed between the two? Yes, that was it. As his gaze rested on Renji the scientific genius recalled how calm and collected he knew him to be. Very cautious, strategical, never taking a risky step unless the situation called for it. Yet this Renji was aggressive, easy to set off, reckless. He turned his attention to the Quincy, whom he had always thought a bit... dangerous to be around. The Uryu he remembered was the antithesis of mindfulness, tact and calm. Yet_ this _Uryu was behaving so reasonably.

Hell, he was behaving _at all_.

And for some reason they both feared him like some kind of assailant, even though he had no memory or record of ever fighting the two. All of this, plus the brief but tantalizing mentions of a mysterious fog, piqued his interest.

"Now, if you'll excuse me for being a nag, about this fog?" He tried again, "Tell me everything you remember! It may help us all understand what has happened here."

Uryu was now confidant that for whatever reason this Szayel Aporro was on their side. The Quincy proceeded to tell the Octava all about their encounter with him in as much detail as possible, while still abbreviating the grossest bits. Szayel's only interruptions came at these times in the form of a distressed grunt and a disgusted click of his tongue, which evolved into more of a disturbed groan when the part about Lumina came around...

"...And after you came back these two Arrancar who had followed us in were messing around in the back. I'm guessing something they did caused this mess," Uryu explained, "We heard something break, and then this fog came over at us. We couldn't move once it touched us. Then we woke up in that closet and heard you coming in here."

"Hmmm..." the scientist ruminated, now seated on a small swivel chair that he had summoned from a compartment beneath the floor. The two displaced guests were to uneasy to sit, so they stood, but Uryu allowed himself to lean against a nearby table. The medic-class lab assistants would sidle by unperturbed every now and then as they went about their errands, leaving their Master and the two non-Arrancar well enough alone.

"So... the fog paralyzed you, did it?" Szayel finally inquired, his eerie amber eyes flicking about thoughtfully but not actually looking at anything in partucular.

"Yes...Wait, no, not really. We could move our eyes and mouths, but nothing else." Uryu frowned, "I'm not sure if you could even call it a fog. It was like lights and shadows were moving on their own... but in a big... cloud."

"Hmm!" Szayel chirped, intrigued. He rubbed his chin as if he had a beard as he processed the information. It was like watching a computer undergoing calculations, trying to come up with the little receipt laden with answers that usually comes out of one of those types of machines. "...Hmm, very strange!"

Renji shifted uneasily. The creepy orange-ish eyes were accidentally centered right on him.

"_Brr..!" _He shivered to himself. A passing Fracción gave him an odd look.

"So you weren't immediately unconscious then?" the Espada drilled. Uryu blinked as he too realized this.

"No... we were frozen in place for quite a while, at least a minute or so." He answered, "Why is that important?"

"Pieces of the puzzle, friend," Szayel smiled knowingly, a broad, creepy one this time, "Though I wish I had more pieces. Those two Arrancar you mentioned-were they caught up in this fog along with you?"

"Yeah," Renji groaned, remembering the comedic duo hanging ridiculously in midair, "Those idiots...They probably caused all this..!"

"Yes, it was us, them, and you too, actually."

The Octava's gaze snapped up right at them, suddenly very serious.

"_Me?" _he repeated, a hint of unease in his voice, "The me you _know_? That tried to... and then... th-the one that did all the _unspeakably_ nasty stuff?"

"Yeah... Have you not been listening or something?" Renji snorted badtemperedly under the chiding glare of his Quincy cohort, "That's... probably bad, right?"

"Er, well," Szayel began, visibly sweating as he swallowed nervously, "If he, er, I-_-_he... is as reprehensible as you've described, then it's very bad!"

"..Why?" Uryu pressed, beginning to feel as anxious as their unlikely ally looked. The Arrancar loosened his collar as if looking for something to do with his fidgety hands.

"Because, if my guess is correct," he spelled out shakily, "then _everyone _that was caught up in that fog ought to be here, somewhere."

Renji's blunt response perfectly summed up the group's feeling:

"Oh _crap_..."

* * *

Author's Notes:

* * *

*The Szayel Aporro from this weird-ass alternate universe strolls out, holding a clipboard*

Alt. Szayel: Hello, gentlemen... ladies... *winks* Well, the esteemed author has informed me that I need to ask for some kind readers to begin reviewing in order to boost her immense writer's ego. So, if you would... For me, please review?

Random Dude: Why should we?

Alt. Szayel: Ummm, well... *looks at clipboard again, turns red* I-I appear to also have instructions to begin clothing removal immediately and start dancing around that convenient pole over there. *points out stripper pole on left of stage*

All the Men In the Audience (Except the Gay Ones): NOOOOOOOO! *they immediately begin scribbling reviews*

Alt. Szayel: Whew...

Fangirl Section: Awwww... *they leave*

*From the edge of the stage, another Szayel Aporro peeks in*

Alt. Szayel: Um... That fellow looks extraordinarily like me-_-__oh S**T!_

Canon Szayel: What the hell? Why does that imposter look exactly like me? I thought I put a lock on that dungeon where I'm keeping my-_-_er, never mind.

Alt. Szayel: You fool! YOU ALMOST RELEASED SPOILERS TO THOSE WHO DON'T KEEP UP WITH THE MANGAS! HOW _DARE _YOU!

*Alternate universe Szayel proceeds to kick the mother-loving crap out of the Canon Szayel for the _awful _crime!*


	4. Of Goobers and Psychopaths!

*Crack, Science, Weird-Ass Events, and an Alternate Reality!*

* * *

Section 4: Of Goobers and Psychos!

* * *

There was a squeaking sound coming from the wheel of a supply cart being pushed along by a whistling servant-class Fracción. The Arrancar was not atypical, but wasn't lacking in mild deformities either, being slightly funny-shaped with long arms and slightly sharper teeth than was normal in a plain vanilla human. He apparently didn't have a very good attention span either because he neglected to notice the two unconscious men sprawled in the path of his cart until he bumped right into them.

"Enh?" the servant Fracción grunted in confusion, leaning out and around his wheeled contraption to see what was obstructing it.

What he saw was the prow of his little vehicle rammed against the upturned rump of a very big, very odd-looking Arrancar. The Fracción stepped up warily, scrutinizing the garb of the knocked-out person. Was he wearing a clown suit? And is that another guy sticking out from under him?

"Er... hey, buddy, wake up, y' hear?" the servant said as he cautiously prodded the big one's mostly masked face with his foot. Immediately he could tell the mask was false, and was slightly unnerved by the tribal style of it, "C'mon, man. Y' can't lay in the street all day. You even s'pposed to be in th' Octava's Palace?"

Pesche, who was the second Arrancar crushed under his companion, came awake suddenly. He began loudly crowing in anguish, scrabbling desperately at the white floors with all four limbs.

"Guuuaaargh! My baaaaack!"

The servant drew back in alarm and, shortly after noting what his discovery's mask looked like, began beading sweat profusely and backing away.

"Aagh! Dondo, you're heavy! Get...Off...Me!" Pesche wailed, straining as he tried to wriggle out from under his companion. Then he noticed the Fracción, who was pointing a shaky accusatory finger at his forehead, "Eh? Aren't you going to help? A fellow Arrancar-type guy, you know?!"

"Y-y-y-you're... P-Pesche Guatiche!" the Arrancar squeaked. Pesche blinked, not sure whether to be bemused or flattered that the inconspicuous servant knew his name.

"Why...Why yes I am!" he beamed, his silly grin of pride invisible under the false mask's pincers. The loincloth-clad comedian failed to register the deepening look of horror on his discoverer's face.

"Whhuuurgh!" Dondochakka groaned weirdly as he too regained consciousness, "Whoa, my whole front hurts, man! Whut happened?"

"B-B-B-B-Bilsten?! D-D-D-D-Dondo..!_!_!" The poor servile Fracción stammered, obviously terrified out of his wits but somehow not being noticed by the duo, "D-D-Dondochakka Bilten..!_!_!"

"Eh?" the large Arrancar sat upright, inadvertently freeing his companion. As Pesche dragged himself upright with a wheeze of relief, Dondochakka continued with a grin, "Yeah, dat's me! Dondo and Pesche-_-_Nel Tu's comedy bros!"

"Gack...Yeah!" Pesche added weakly.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIE EE!"

The servant Fracción tore off down the hall at full speed as if Satan himself and a brigade of flaming pitchfork-toting demons were after him. The supply cart sat abandoned. The dynamic duo were left speechless and nursing aching body parts as the echoes of the bloodcurdling scream died away.

"Uhhh... Whut was dat guy's problem, eh?" the large Arrancar scratched the back of his gigantic head, "Did he gotta go t' d' bathroom or somethin'?"

"Why would he be screaming if he had to go to the bathroom?!" Pesche reasoned out loud, still irritated from being squashed under his seven-hundred-plus pound pal, "We're still in Szayel Aporro's place, man! That guy us clearly going to go tell 'im where we are! We must be vigilant!" The loin-clothed Arrancar leaped up, trying to strike a gallant pose but failing as he half-tripped on the wheel of the abandoned cart, "Ow, oh, ow! Ouch, my foot, ooh!"

"I dunno," Dondo muttered, shrugging, "Mebbe he just hadta go real bad. He didn't look like one o' the mad doctor's mutant freaks." Dismissively the big Arrancar stood and began ambling off towards where the panicked Fracción had fled, "You're just bein' paranoid, brudda."

"I am not paranoid!" Pesche protested, ashamedly hiding that he had been attempting to loot the cart, "I-I'm being vigilant! And where do you think you're going?!"

"Ummm..." he paused, "I guess da bathroom or wherever that guy's goin'. Mebbe there's a way outta this crazyfest dat way. Ooh, mebbe we'll find Renji an' dat glasses guy you were wid that way."

"Wha..? Why would they be down there? And why didn't you say you were going to look for 'em?"Pesche fumed dramatically, "I would've been with you in an instant!"

"Whoa, Pesche, take it easy," Dondochakka gave his comrade a strange look from under the tiny eye holes of his false mask, "And why else would they be down where da bathrooms is? They gotta do it too."

"That's your logic?! Hmm, you're right though," Pesche followed his enormous friend down the long hallway studded with doors, "Damn, they must have colons of steel. We've been in Las Noches for at least three hours."

"You... can't go three hours widdout goin' numba two?"

"Gaah, no! I meant bladders of steel, geez!"

Wakened by the desert brothers' loud chatter, another servant-class Fracción cracked his door and peeked out into the hallway at their receding forms.

"Okie-dokie. But you betta go see a doctor or somethin' anyway about dat..."

"Oh, shut your giant face! We need to concentrate on finding Uryu and Renji...! ...And a bathroom."

"Aw, man, me too. You gotta keep up wid me, Pesche."

"Ugh...I am! Let me know if you see a john... Or a potted plant."

"Wha...! Aw, dat's _naaaasty_, man! Don't wizz in somebody's plant! Dat's disgusting!"

"Would ya rather I went on the floor? C'mon, I'm desperate here!"

Pulling a wry face, the Fracción decided the two weren't his problem and retreated back into the sidechamber, closing the door with a click.

* * *

*Somewhere Else In The Palace of the Octava!*

* * *

"My Lord?" came a voice through the fog of unconsciousness, "Lord Szayel Aporro..? Are you... alright sir..?"

Gradually it dawned on the mad Espada that someone was shaking him on the shoulders. Also, he had a terrible headache.

"Augh!"Szayel grunted, his eyes opening into foul-tempered slits. Next he addressed his most pressing problem-_-_he whipped out a deceptively weak-looking arm and thrust the concerned Fracción away. "Ugh! Get off me, you... Unh! Damn headache..."

Rubbing tenderly at throbbing temples, his baleful eyes cast about. He knew he was in Las Noches still, and it seemed to be still within the confines of his palace, but where he could not tell. He didn't recognize anything right away, but the passageways and their layout seemed familiar.

"Sir?!" the Fracción squeaked slightly in alarm, looking at his Master as if he were a frightening stranger (which was not far off), "My Lord, how come you are lying unconscious in the street? Did something happen? Are you wounded?"

Szayel Aporro peered over at the gray-green garbed medic Fracción as if he'd just noticed he existed.

_Who is this buffoon? _He thought. He looked remarkably similar to one of his Fracciónes del Octava, but he was not a giant, nor was he mostly unable to speak from mind-destroying drugs. And his eyes were normal-_-_with white sclera and visible pupils and everything so like a natural Arrancar. Something not seeming off was starting to seem off to the mad scientist.

"And...who are you?" he began haughtily, drawing himself up as he stood shakily. He quickly looked over himself. Good, his outfit had not suffered any excessive wrinkling from his time crumpled on the ground and was undamaged.

"Sweet Jesus, "the medic muttered, horror-stricken. He believed his Espada was suffering memory loss, though the sudden personality change was disconcerting as well, "I'm Brian, of course. You don't remember me, Lord?"

Realizing through his self-glorifying delusions that he was in strange new territory, the Octava decided to play it safe for now. He adopted a look of puzzled innocence that could have earned him a Grammy were he one of the Living.

"...Brian..?" he ran a hand through his hair as if thinking hard and being pained by the process, "I don't believe so... Oh, my head hurts! Why does..?" The devious Arrancar feigned an unsteady wobble, which he reluctantly allowed the Fracción to support him through, "Ah, I'm not sure what happened. And I'm not sure where I am..."

"Shall I escort you to the nearest medical ward, sir?" Brian the medic Fracción offered. Holding back a disgusted sneer at the thought of touching another, and therefore inferior, life form Szayel leaned on him heavily and let the oblivious subordinate lead him down the hallway.

The journey to the medical ward was a short one. Still pretending to be dazed and confused, Szayel Aporro encountered near to a dozen more uncharacteristically uncorrupted Octava Fracciónes. Also not realizing that all was not as it appeared with their Master, they showered worries on him and bombarded him with inquiries. The Espada kept up a baffled blank look but was really absorbing all he could get from the content of their questions.

"My Lord! Are you alright?!"

"Did something explode in the lab again, sir?!"

"Oh, my goodness! Are you hurt, my Lord?!"

"Can Lord Grantz hear me, Brian? Like, did the explosion mess up his hearing again? Er, I assumed something blew up, sorry..."

"Oh, no-_-_did something happen at the lab, my Lord?!"

"My Lord, you look strange! Did a bad guy ambush you?!"

"Is Szayel Aporro okay? ...And why is he wearing a cape?"

"M-Master! Did something blow up on you again?!"

Aside from their unaltered states of well-being and their genuine concern for his, all seemed about the same. Well, that and the questioning of his impeccable taste. The mad scientist fondled the edge of the flowing garment possessively as the unassuming Brian helped him into a comfortable chair.

Immediately, Fracciónes of all three classes huddled around him, almost overwhelming Brian, who fought to keep them back. He was still uncertain about the imposter's mood swings.

"Will you all just... shut up already?"Szayel grumbled at the clamoring throng, finding it suddenly hard to keep up the appearance of the other Szayel Aporro (of which he was currently unaware), "I need something for headaches... That's all." A female medic approached, some of the desired medicine in hand, and began to hand it to him, but made the mistake of lightly placing her other hand on his knee, "And don't touch me! I don't want to be touched by... Ugh... Never mind."

As soon as the pills were out of her hand the medic scurried back out of his reach in alarmed silence. Brian kept a suspicious eye on the evil Octava while the rest of the crowd held a short huddle on the other side of the ward.

"Brian, how'd you find him?"

"Er...by looking. He wasn't very far from here-_-_next to the botanical and fungal gardens..."

"No! I meant in what state did you find him. Was he already acting weird?"

"Y...Yeah," Brian glanced over his shoulder again. They seemed to not be audible to the irritable Szayel, who was... rearranging his hair some more. "He shoved me as soon as he came to. Lord Szayel Aporro never did that before to any of us as far as I know."

"And he never complains when girls touch him..." the female medic growled. Several of her cohorts gave her weird looks.

"True," the first speaker relinquished, "Didn't you say he sounded amnesiac at first, Brian?"

"He didn't recognize me," Brian whispered gloomily, "And I'm not sure if it was true or not, but he claimed to not know where he was or what happened to him that knocked him out."

"His headache seems suspicious," a second woman chimed in, "D'you think he's faking it?"

"Nah, it's real. He took the meds."

"Brain damage, then?" another male one suggested anxiously, "It can do strange things to someone when the brain shorts out. Even personality changes..."

"Should we've given 'im that medicine if he's had that happen?"

"That's skull fractures you have to worry about. Duh."

"Err, oh, right."

Again Brian took a secretive look on their sociopathic charge. Szayel Aporro had his head down and was rubbing his forehead as one would expect a headache sufferer to do.

"If he's really got memory loss we should quiz him," the initial speaker proposed, taking a glance himself, "I'm still not sure that's what's up..."

"What else could it be?!" Brian exclaimed, looking stunned, "He's just hurting from the headache and can't remember things yet. Leave him alone."

"We can't 'leave him alone'! It would be a disgrace for an Espada's Fracción to ignore him when he could be in distress." The medic shot his complacent companion down quickly, "Remember, I outrank you. And I've decided we test him. Anyone who objects can just go find the Soldado Fracciónes and inform them. Oh, and someone try and find the twin brother too."

As the medics whispered and murmured, deciding in hushed tones the material they would grill their false Master with, Szayel continued with his ruse.

Thought the throbbing in his head was real, the illusion that he was paying the huddle no mind was just that. He almost couldn't restrain the smirk creeping across his face at the thought of his brilliant self, once again outwitting every clueless obstacle of a person he encountered. Now the pain in his head and neck was receding.

Returning to a calm and calculating mindset, Szayel waited and listened, ready to deceive and cheat his way to victory as usual.

* * *

Author's Notes:

*Uryu enters and adjusts his glasses, making them do that cool shiny thing*

Uryu: Hello. The author told me to come out here and talk to you kids about some things...

*Renji pops out*

Renji: Umm... "you kids"? Aren't you fifteen or something?

Uryu: N-No. *does glasses thing again* I'm not fifteen... I'm fifteen and three quarters...

Renji: Whoa... Why can't all fifteen-year-olds be as mature and cool under pressure as you?

Uryu: Because they're _fifteen_, Renji...

*Alt. Szayel enters creepily, coming up behind them both without their noticing*

Alt. Szayel: Well... I actually did an experimental model on that once with a few human volunteers...

Renji & Uryu: AAAAAAH!

Alt. Szayel: It didn't go to well... A lot of the teenagers had to be, ahem, removed from the test early... For anxiety disorders! *crosses arms* Apparently you plain boring humans don't take to being chased through mazes by round small Arrancar wearing Halloween masks...

Renji & Uryu's Faces: -_-


	5. First Step of Goober and Psycho Hunting!

*Crack, Science, Weird-Ass Events, and an Alternate Reality!*

* * *

Section 5: The First Step of Goober and Psycho-Hunting!

* * *

Renji's skin crawled under a thin layer of bandages the Octava's medics had placed on his arms, shins, and chest. Apparently the two non-Arrancar, and especially the Soul Reaper, had almost forgotten that they had not long before getting themselves in their odd situation been fighting. And they had been losing, earning a number of injuries which they had somehow managed to not keel over with before this moment.

The stuff they'd used to treat the burns he'd received felt weird. And it smelled funny too. The Soul Reaper decided he didn't want to think about it too much.

Uryu too had received some medical attention on short notice, though the Quincy didn't need nearly as much as the crispy Lieutenant had. A bandage stood out on his forehead, and another was hidden under his right sleeve. And both of them had been given... some kind of blue stuff in a syringe, which Szayel had told them would "reverse the muscle damage sustained in your fighting". They would, according to the expert, be "good as new!".

It had taken a few patient attempts from the eccentric Espada to explain to Renji that the goop was beneficial before he allowed the shot to be given. And even then he didn't let Szayel come within five feet of him. The Octava had to delegate it to one of his medics.

Once their wounds were taken care of, Szayel Aporro wasted no time in helping them in understanding his theory on the mysterious fog's nature and its bizarre displacement effects.

"I can't be one hundred percent sure yet," he forewarned them, "But it seems like the most logical explanation. You come from an alternate reality to this one... Or, from your perspective, you've accidentally traveled into an alternate reality. It's why everything and everyone you see here is both the same and different to what you know. That fog you witnessed most likely was some kind of_ ludicrously _intense energy field... I would have to be, if it broke down the barriers between different histories themselves!"

They had to bluntly remind the Octava that there was still the immediate issue of a second Szayel, a thoroughly evil one that was probably not above eating babies, possibly running loose in his domain.

The strange doctor Arrancar sobered up rapidly and summoned his two assistants to him before hastily leading his uninvited guests off through the elaborate street-like passages of his huge palace.

"So, uh... Where are we going again..?" Renji asked, uneasily scratching at one of his bandages. He was forced to stop abruptly as one of the odd little Fracciónes in front of him whirled about to walk backwards as he answered.

"Going to monitoring HQ!" Verona grinned, still walking backwards abnormally close to the red-haired Soul Reaper, "We go. Look at screens. Find friends of Uryu and Renji."

"Also find Bad Lord Szayel Aporro!" Lumina added.

"Yes, exactly," the Octava smiled affectionately at the two. He stopped just ahead, in front of a very large and well-fortified door, "And here we are. On second, please..."

There was a raised, rectangular area about chest-high on the door, which was obviously some sort of discreet security feature. Szayel placed his right hand carefully upon it. To the two non-Arrancar's amazement, the square turned suddenly black and rapid glowing blue calculations popped up and disappeared around the Espada's hand. The screen then went back to white, and the doors swung open on their own.

"Enter!" he chirped, flamboyantly waving them in. Lumina and Verona skittered past him and claimed two smaller seats on either side of a noticeably larger one. Uryu followed, more interested in the dozens of tiny screens on either side of the room, framing a single massive one dominating the opposite wall from the door. There were also some rather elaborate looking controls below the screen, in front of the swiveling chairs. Szayel indicated the main screen as he seated himself.

"There are cameras installed in nearly every space within this palace. It should be relatively easy to find both your friends and... me..." Szayel reached for the controls, "Oh... This is exciting! If someone had told me yesterday that there were alternate universes I would have thought they'd been watching too much Star Trek..!"

"Uh... Right..."Renji had no idea what Star Trek was but went along anyhow, "So... how does this dohickey work?"

"Here, look," the Espada clicked away at a small pad of shiny black buttons near his right hand. Each time he pressed one of the tiny numerous buttons the image on the massive screen changed, revealing a different portion of the Palace of the Octava's miles of corridors and chambers. He stayed on each perspective for about three seconds, allowing the two visitors the opportunity to examine the figure milling about, medics, servants, Soldado Fracciónes and occasionally an Arrancar civilian in plain clothes.

"How many of these _are_ there?!" Renji eyed the controls, disturbed by the fact that he could be being watched practically anywhere within the Octava's enormous dwelling, "And what exactly is '_nearly _everywhere'?!"

"Ah... Everywhere within _reason_," Szayel frowned slightly, "Everywhere but the, er...private areas. It's about eight hundred angles total." Noticing the dismayed look on the spiky-headed man's face he raised a finger and smiled, "Oh, but they're all in order, and very good picture quality. We should be able to spot our three targets in under ten minutes."

"Unless they all hide in a 'private area'," Uryu pointed out. Lumina couldn't help herself and began giggling uncontrollably, spinning around and around in her swiveling chair.

"Hmmm..."Szayel gazed towards the ceiling, reaching out without needing to look as he grabbed the arm of Lumina's chair so that it stopped spinning, "Could be an issue if this alternate version of me realizes he is being searched for..."

The Octava continued flicking rapidly through the many camera angles in the order in which they linked up throughout the palace. After no more than ten views passed the Arrancar scientist suddenly stopped. He frowned deeply, leaning forward in his seat to scrutinize the huge screen.

"Why are you stopping?" Uryu looked to the screen also and tried to figure out what it was Szayel Aporro was so concerned about. The Quincy couldn't help but suspect it was something petty or cosmetic... a lot like the other one would fuss about.

The screen showed an empty, high-ceilinged hallway with doors all along its length, one every sixty or so feet, all leading to stunningly spacious quarters for the relatively low-ranking servant-class Fracciónes. A small blob of an object was visible on the far end, looking most similar to a wheeled medicine or supply cart. It was a bit difficult to tell with any precision what it was exactly. The Octava brushed some hair out of his eyes and with the same hand gestured sharply to Verona.

"Magnify that for me," he ordered. The stubby little Arrancar did so with a speed that shocked the two displaced guess. The mutants' behavior didn't suggest that they were capable of such a technical feat.

"I magnify fifty time, Master," he mumbled, gingerly rotating a dial, "Okay, it done!" He squinted at the screen, tilting his head sideways in a puppy-like manner, "Err... Why you want look at cart, Master?"

"Agh. Well, it's probably nothing," Szayel sighed, tapping his fingers incessantly on the armrest of his chair, "Still...What's it doing there? I don't want to think that any of my Fracciónes would shirk away from their duties..."

"So it is suspicious," Uryu pushed up his glasses, making the screen's artificial light reflect off them in a brief flash of coolness, "There'd have to be a reason for one of your men to abandon that there."

"A good reason," the Espada nodded, disturbed by all the possibilities that may have occurred, "A _threat_ to be more precise...Ugh..!"

"Probably a threat with stupid pink hair and a sick sense of humor!" the Soul Reaper growled. Szayel Aporro gave him a slightly unhappy look and snorted, self-consciously adjusting more of his hair. "Er... I didn't mean you. I meant the other one, I swear."

"I think I'll let it slide," the eccentric Arrancar concealed a smirk as he carried on with his remote search, "for now, anyways. Hmm...perhaps the Renji that _belongs_ in this universe will have to make up for it..."

"That's... not really fair,"Renji grumbled, "We're not really even the same person..."

"I know!" Szayel grinned slyly, "So does that mean you would be willing to do me a little favor to apologize yourself? You know, the Renji I know has never let me study his Bankai before...Maybe you could-"

"No."

Szayel hung his head, muttering under his breath.

"Hmph, always the same answer... Why? It's just a little test. It isn't fair at all, I do all the scientific tasks of great magnitude, and they won't even let me so much as touch it... Always the same response! Barbarians..."

Lumina crossed her arms, wrinkling her nose at her Master slightly.

"You expect large much, sir."

"Ahahah!" he chuckled, patting her on the shoulder fondly, "Yes, I guess I do. I expect large much." He tittered for a bit longer than was considered normal and trailed off with a sigh, still somehow managing to work on the surveillance angles with impunity, "Anyhow...What were we talking about?"

"W-wait!" Uryu started, eyes fixed on the lower part of the screen, "Stop there!"

"Hmm? See something?" Szayel perked up, pausing his hand a hair above the next button. He looked up and froze, his mouth hanging open slightly.

"Wha..? Where?" Renji narrowed his eyes at the viewing device and leaned in closer to it. Uryu pointed him lower, towards where a part of a small figure could be seen poking up from where the covered area cut off.

"There. It's Pesche," Uryu stated bluntly before noticing the strange look frozen on the Espada's face.

"Eee!" Both Lumina and Verona squeaked. They were staring, also seeming greatly alarmed, right at the beetle-like false mask on the corner of the view.

"Pesche Guatiche?" Szayel asked incredulously, standing up abruptly, "_This_ is your friend?"

"Umm... not exactly a 'friend', but he and another guy named Dondochakka were helping us," Uryu pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose a bit, "Or... they were trying to, anyway. What's wrong?"

"Both of them, huh?" the mad doctor seemed to loosen up suddenly, giving a great sigh of relief that was mixed in with a dark chuckle, "Forgive me for alarming you... I almost forgot about the whole 'people from another reality are here' thing." Sitting back down, he pressed the button for an adjoining view, which showed the comedic duo strolling along aimlessly, walking in the direction of the hidden camera. "Haha, you scared me there for a minute; I thought you meant that you saw the Pesche and Dondochakka from_ this _reality. I should've known."

"So... _They're _evil... and _you're_ good here?" Renji's face was priceless. Szayel looked as if he were about to launch into a more detailed deconstruction for the Lieutenant, but instead thought better of it and nodded. "So... there are two of each here-_-_and half are our enemies, but we've gotta find the not evil two. And do all that without getting killed by _our _version of you, while trying not to kill _you_ you by mistake...Damn! This is gonna be annoying."

"Nonono-_-_" Lumina raised her hand and hopped about like a young child, then pointed at the image of Pesche, "Easy, yousee, lookie-_-_He wear loincloth."

"...He_ is _wearing a loincloth..." Szayel Aporro let an amused grin slowly spread over his face, "That-_-_h-heh-_-_certainly makes it easier."

"Where is that hallway in relation to here?" Uryu pressed, wanting to convene with as many allies as possible as soon as he could in preparation for facing the evil Octava again.

"Lumina will show you the way, won't you Lumina?" Szayel gestured for the odd-shaped female Arrancar to rise, which she did with a frog-like hop.

"Okie-dokie, Lord Szayel Aporro," she grinned, waddling over to the Quincy and lightly tugged his sleeve for him to follow, "C'mon, c'mon-_-_we go. Collect Mister Nice Pesche and Mister Nice Moai Head!"

"O...kay," Uryu let himself be dragged a bit until he could stand no more and discreetly disentangled his sleeve cuff. He looked back over his shoulder to Renji as he started heading off, "I guess I'll be back, uh... You're staying here?"

"Yeah," the Lieutenant growled, eying the seat Lumina had vacated as if considering taking it in her absence, "If we happen to see that creep," he bared his teeth, "I wanna be there to cut him to pieces..!"

"Eheheh..hahaa..." Szayel tittered again. He loosened his collar slightly and tried to continue with the surveillance without looking a bit nervous. "It... may be a good idea for me to, oh, I don't know, mark myself as the Szayel Aporro that belongs here? Let's see, I could simply roll one sleeve up or...ah! I could come up with a code word... Hmm... How's 'Pineapple'? Or maybe something more obscure, like 'Cheesem-_-_"

"Uhh, you don't need to bother," Renji quickly interrupted with a slight wince at the Octava's unusual rant, "When the, um, bad you ended up here I'm pretty sure he was wearing some cape or something."

Szayel's back stiffened suddenly, and he turned his head slowly and somewhat unnervingly... like a killer in a horror movie about to reveal his gruesome face to a victim.

"You're kidding me," he sounded none-too-pleased about Renji's little packet of information, "A..._**cape**_?!"

"Y-Yeah..." Renji reconsidered his seating arrangement at the sudden escalation in volume.

"Eww!" the Espada scowled, his sneer revealing a lot of his rather scary teeth, "A _cape?! Really?! _Ugh, who does he think he is? Draping such a ridiculous thing on_ ME_-_-_er, or at least on himself, which is basically a copy of me... Ahh! Capes weren't even in style back when I was _alive_!"

"Eh... You paying attention to those screens..?" Renji stood back as far away as looked natural but not wussy.

"Of course, of course..." Szayel grumbled and hunched more than usual as he returned to a semblance of paying attention. There was a silence, save for the electrical hum.

Verona broke it with a giggle.

* * *

Author's Notes:

*holds little dead flower in a pitiful way*

*sniff* Nobody knows..~ The trouble I've seen...~ Nobody reviews my stories...~

*Renji enters, brandishing Zabimaru*

Renji: Do you hear that?! That's _sorrow_ right there! You _want_ her to feel sad and lonely?! *threatens reader with sword* **_PLEASE REVIEW THIS, SIR._ **

*random dude with sword at throat hurries to write a short review*

Renji: *grins* That's better!


	6. Back To the Goobers--OH SHIT!

*Crack, Science, Weird-Ass Events, and an Alternate Reality!*

* * *

Section 6: Back To the Goobers-OH S***!

* * *

"Hey, whut's dat up ahead?"

The question caused Pesche to turn to his right, the direction his over-sized companion's voice had come from. The smaller of the two stomped his foot in a twitchy reaction.

"H-HEY!" he wailed, "I thought I told ya-_-_don't go off without me! If you'da gone down that hallway a little more I'd be all by myself..! All_ alooooone_..! In this scary place..!"

With a whimper the bug-masked man scuttled over to join Dondochakka, who gave him a long funny look.

"But... But I called ya..."

"Er... Oh," Pesche's argument wilted. Perking up, he seemed to forget what his friend had called him over for and gasped in fascination at what was down that hall. "Hey-_-_What's that?!"

"Some kinda thingie wid a lotta people!" Dondochakka pointed ecstatically, "It don't matta whut it is! There's_ gotta _be a bathroom in dat place!"

Whooping eagerly, and performing urgent little shuffles, the two dashed off down the hall, right for a vast open area where the tiny distant figures of many Arrancar were casually moving about.

Unaware of what approached them.

* * *

*Meanwhile, Down the Long Hall...*

* * *

The place where the comedic duo were currently heading was the location of the Palace of the Octava's Fracciónes Mess; an immense cafeteria of sorts where close to forty of Szayel Aporro's people, plus a good dozen members of other Fraccións who were either honestly visiting friends or shameless moochers, were breakfasting and trying to wake up fully.

And, yes, there were restrooms nearby.

Coming out of one of those restrooms was one of the aforementioned "visitors" (one of the mooching variety), a skinny, shortish, under-clothed Arrancar with a bulbous mask fragment that looked most like a huge turban. His teeth, when he grinned, were horrifically snaggled. He approached a nearby table with that grin, sauntering up to a trio of other Soldados Fracciónes who were seated there and seemed to silently groan at his approach.

"Whoof! Don't go in there, boysh!" D-Roy laughed, earning some exasperated looks from his three pals. They all took an extra sip of each of their forms of coffee.

"Hmph, _please. _We don't need to know," the tallest of them spoke, a rather thin-faced a serious Arrancar. He was trying hard to continue reading a magazine through the distraction the hapless D-Roy provided. Another of the three, one that looked remarkably like a blond Szayel Aporro with a differing mask and hairstyle, rolled his eyes.

"Guys... The only reason we're all still allowed in here is because my brother's in charge... So please, don't fight or fool around while we're here," the Szayel look-alike groaned, his chin slipping dangerously on his palm and threatening to fall onto the table. The third Soldado, this one an actual Fracción del Octava, nudged him to prevent the calamity.

"You need more coffee or somethin'? You're lookin' a little dead t'day," the Soldado said. D-Roy snickered, air hissing out horribly between his jagged fangs.

"Sheshesheh! Yeah, give 'im shome more coffee..."

Eying the partially drained mug before him suspiciously, the Octava's brother glared at the slurring Arrancar and shoved the cup away.

"What'd you do to it?" Ilfort growled. D-Roy began backing away, scared off by the venomous look on his face, not wanting to get creamed by the much stronger fighter. As Ilfort stood partially and feinted at him with one fist the snaggled-toothed Arrancar cowered behind Shawlong's chair.

"Eshesheh... I jusht replashed it wit' decaf, I shwear!"

Shawlong flipped a page in his magazine and sighed, shaking his head as if to knock away the grating "sh"s bombarding his ears.

"There ain't nuttin' real bad in it... like inshtant diarrhea..."

"D-Roy!" Ilfort snarled, "You bastard!"

Shawlong and the Octava Soldado were immediately treated to the amusing spectacle of a panicked D-Roy being relentlessly pursued by the Espada's brother. Around and around the table they went, using Sónido and freaking out several of the servant-class Fracciónes royally. The servants dove out of the way, trying not to spill things they were carrying.

The only reason the mischievous little twerp wasn't quickly caught by his assailant and pounded into submission was apparent: Ilfort still had some bandages on his neck and shoulder showing through gaps in his clothes, momentos of some earlier battle.

"Whooa! Hey, don't shtrangle _meee_!" D-Roy squealed, darting around a servant who was carrying a tray. Ilfort followed furiously, leaving the poor servant dizzily staggering over to a table. He managed to barely save the waffles and syrup from certain doom.

"I'M GONNA RIP YOUR BUTT OUT, YOU LITTLE WIGGER!"

Shawlong winced, both at the sound of the creative threat and that of a flurry of punches.

"Oooah! Oww! Ooch! N-not th' fashe! OOW! Never mind-_-_not the crotch!"

"Hmph. Neanderthals," Shawlong commented disdainfully, flicking his long thin braid back over his shoulder where it belonged. The dizzy servant Fracción paused to catch his breath against a nearby chair. He glanced over at the cool and collected Soldado, his gaze stopping a bit longer on the contents of the magazine: ...Wha..? Decorating tips...?

"You know... I saw D-Roy earlier. Whatever he did to Ilfort's, he did it to_ yours _too."

There was a dramatic change in Shawlong's attitude. A very sudden, dramatic change-_-_further sealing D-Roy's fate.

"He _what?!"_

"Waaah! C'mon, homie-_-_forgive an' forget?! An eye for an... er, I mean, don't lishen t' that one-_-_AAAH!"

Now that all the other Fracciónes knew they were safely out of danger of being bowled over they had begun snickering and a few of the rowdier Soldados started whooping and goading the two chastising the "little wigger". D-Roy was in no danger of dying, murder being illegal in Hueco Mundo just as in any other society. He_ was_, however, in very severe danger of being heavily and mercilessly pranked.

Most were of the opinion that he kind of deserved it.

"What'd you _really_ put in my coffee?!" Ilfort demanded between punches. D-Roy was cowering underneath one of the tables now, twisting around to dodge most of the blows but occasionally taking one on the over-sized mask fragment. Now that Shawlong had joined in on the mob justice, he knew he was royally screwed.

"Ahh! Ow! I dunno! Shome shtuff in a little bottle! Ouch! Shtop whackin' me in th' head! Ow!"

Shawlong pitched in, making a lunging reach under the table before D-Roy could crawl away. Snatching him up by the collar, he ignored the strangled little gag sound with a stone face and hauled D-Roy out. As soon as the snaggle-toothed Arrancar was upright Shawlong took his magazine, rolled it up, and slapped him humiliatingly in the face with it.

"Nneh!" D-Roy squirmed to get away from the papery assault. Ilfort split his face in a grin which was, naturally, just as Cheshire-like as Szayel's.

"Bad human," Shawlong smirked as he scolded in a flat voice, earning some sniggers from the other Fracciónes.

"Aagh! Shtoppit! You guysh_ shuck_!" the "little wigger" sounded just like the title might suggest. The Espada's twin rammed his hands in each of the smaller guy's shirt pockets, searching for the mystery chemical D-Roy had nearly poisoned them with, "HEY! Whatcha gropin' me for?!"

"Give the stuff up," Ilfort warned, "before I have to search the other pockets!"

"And Ilfort is not above punching an opponent in the genitals."

Abruptly the blond interrogator stopped, rounding on the tall one with an insulted look on his face.

"That was _one _time and I was aiming for his stomach!" He dropped D-Roy on the floor. Seeing that the two were sidetracked, the Soldado let his jaggedy fangs poke out in a grin as he scrabbled away, slipping off past the crowd and towards the hallway. "I got startled and my aim was off. Don't tell me that's never happened to you."

"That has never happened to me," Shawlong's face was smug. Ilfort flipped errant locks of hair over his shoulder.

"Liar," he accused, "It did so. Last week, when you and Edorad were training. You kicked him, remember?"

"It hit him in the thigh!"

"Oh,_ sure _it did," Ilfort took a fresh, non-pranked cup of coffee and blew on it.

"It _did_." A vein popped out on Shawlong's forehead.

"Well then, maybe I should have my brother look over poor Edorad, because that's not where a human thigh is supposed to be!"

Shawlong took a step closer, almost in position to throw a retaliatory kick into Ilfort's chest, when a piercing shout echoed off the white walls. The two, and every warrior-class Arrancar in the mess, forgot their showdown immediately.

* * *

*Where's D-Roy Going?*

* * *

D-Roy had been snickering to himself as he scampered along, pleased that he could get away from the two much stronger fighters so easily. He didn't think that maybe it was because he was relatively wimpy compared to them and they were actively trying not to injure him, or maybe that the two didn't really take the little idgit very seriously, but if he did he didn't show it. He was grinning ear to ear, his unfortunate dental catastrophe for all the world to view.

He peeked over his shoulder, a tiny doubt causing him to worry that maybe he wouldn't be out of sight fast enough and they would chase him. Then he crashed into something very big and squishy.

"Oof!" D-Roy was bounced back by whatever had obstructed him. Shaking his head dizzily, he was about to stand up and give whoever was in his way a piece of his mind when he glimpsed the massive Moai mask.

Dondochakka and Pesche stood speechless, their jaws just as slack as the snaggle-toothed Sexta Fracción's. Neither party was entirely sure what to do in this situation.

_Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy SHIT-them! _D-Roy's mind was racing, despite its relatively low processing speed. _I'm gonna diiiiiiiie!_

So he screamed. A piercing call not unlike that of a majestic elk or hawk or girl scout. D-Roy knew immediately that, if he and any witnesses survived this, the scream would forever kill any attempt at a macho ethos he was trying so hard to go for.

"W-whoa!" Pesche wriggled a finger in his ear and took a step back. Distant shouts were answering the girly shriek of the Fracción they had just blundered into. "U-uhh! D-Dondo..! We should skedaddle..!"

"T-too late..." They looked behind them. Four Fracciónes del Octava had slipped in behind them using swift Sónido, cutting off the retreat the hallway would have provided. Turning back around, they came face to face with Shawlong and Ilfort, backed by close to a dozen other Soldados. The two skidded to a halt, their eyes wide and their expressions more surprised than the comedic duo would have expected. What was the big deal? It was only two-thirds of the Great Desert Bros. Their disguises were perfect, and they hadn't been really well-known Fracciónes to start with. Why was everyone acting like they were such holy terrors, fighters that could lay waste to all with their mighty strength?

"_You _two...!" Ilfort's hand immediately went for his sword. Pesche went to hide behind Dondochakka in the same moment that Dondochakka went to hide behind Pesche. "How do you have the nerve to show your faces around here?!"

"Uhh..! Beg your pardon, sir, but we're not showin' our faces technically.." Pesche's little detail was cut short as the Espada's brother drew his sword with a zing of steel.

"Shut up!" He grinned, "Save your stupid jokes for the Espadas... After we thrash you into submission, of course!"

"Wh-what?!" Dondochakka cowered with one huge hand on his "face", "Bu...but we didn't do nothin'! We swear! C'mon, guys, can't we all just be pals?!"

"No," Shawlong flicked his blade out of dormancy and eyed them scathingly, "We don't make friends with traitors... We make compost with them."

"Sheshesheshesheh!" D-Roy sniggered gleefully, wrenching his sword out and waving it in Dondochakka's direction. He was peeking out from behind Ilfort and two others, but felt the need to enter into the tough talk as well, "Ya gonna pay for makin' me fall down, and for betrayin' ush Arrancar!"

"D-Roy, you're ruining the mood," Ilfort stepped on the edge of his foot to shut him up, "Now, where were we? Oh, right! We were about to kick your asses!"

The throng of Arrancar chuckled nastily and started to move in, taking their lead from the two Sexta Fracciónes.

Just as Ilfort lunged at him, a demonic grin stretched across his face, Pesche realized that he had not once felt Nel's spiritual pressure since they had awoken.

Pesche stopped cowering and held back a grim smirk, even knowing that it could not be seen by his attackers.

Then the ass-kicking began.

* * *

Author's Notes:

*D-Roy, Ilfort, Shawlong enter, following Szayel*

Ilfort: Come on, you're my bro! Can't we just-_-_

Szayel: No.

D-Roy: What about thish-_-_

Szayel: No.

Ilfort: But-_-_

Szayel: NO. *flames rise up around him* DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?

All: Y-yes.

Shawlong: ... ... ... But maybe if we-_-_

*Szayel turns around and glares*

Shawlong: N-never mind. *turns to audience* Please... Feel free to review this story. And not ask about what we wanted from Lord Szayel Aporro. *whispers* Seriously. Don't ask.


	7. More To Say Oh Crap About!

*Crack, Science, Weird-Ass Events, and an Alternate Reality!*

* * *

Section 7: More To Say "Oh Crap" About!

* * *

_Finally_, Szayel Aporro thought, _that wretched headache is gone!_

Watching the Fracciónes, the Octava kept his eye on the one who called himself "Brian". In his own universe he hadn't bothered to learn that one's name. Either that or his process in forcing a quick transformation into dispensable cannon fodder had eliminated his ability to recall his own name.

Szayel did not care. He did note the trust displayed towards him on the simple-minded medic's part. He had protested the shoddy attempt at a memory test, rigged to try and spot hints that all may not be as it seemed with their Master (which he had easily cheated his way through. He knew the symptoms of true amnesia no one better and was adept at faking it).

He was ripe for the using. The pink-haired Espada narrowed his eyes and smiled, trying to make his face as kindly as possible.

"Oh, Brian..." The Arrancar turned, surprised to hear his name, "Could you... do something for me..?"

"Of... course, my Lord." Brian gave the Espada a strange, wild look. Something seemed wrong but... He couldn't put his finger on it.

"I knew you would," The Octava's voice was sweet as honey. He leaned in closer to the medic, breathing the words into his ear, "Listen closely now... I'm not supposed to be telling anyone about this, but... well," He threw a swift glance over the shoulder for good measure, as if afraid of someone overhearing, "So, I can only tell you so much... I need you to find Renji Abarai and Uryu Ishida. You know them, right?"

"Renji and Uryu..?" Brian drew back, blinking in shock, "They're here? I thought they were back in the World of the Living until the-_-_."

"I know, I know. They're here, trust me," Szayel pulled Brian close again, "I need you to find them, and you must bring them to me. Tell them anything to get them to come, but be careful: If you see _me_," Szayel's voice took on an urgent hiss, "if you see me anywhere but right here, it's an imposter. Don't trust him. Don't_ talk _to him, don't let him _touch_ you, don't tell him _anything_, just get away. If Renji and Uryu are with the fake, then bide your time. Wait until they're alone. Then tell them to come here. Do you understand?"

Brian felt the inexorable strength of the Espada's fingers let go of his collar. He stepped back, dizzy and in mental chaos.

"I... think so, Master," Brian stared at Szayel oddly, "But...Why?"

"I'm sorry, Brian," Szayel smiled ruefully and shook his head, leaning back in the seat, "If I told you... Well, let's just say it's for your own good. Now go!"

Brian turned on his heel, sweat pouring off of him as abundantly as the questions bouncing in his mind. It was such a strange request. And a fake Szayel? Roaming the halls of Las Noches, with no one but himself to deal with it? There were surely some other, stronger Espadas who could be trusted to track down the imposter and destroy it.

But then again, he could never know with the implied secrecy surrounding the issue. Szayel Aporro never kept anything from his Fracciónes before this. If it was that important, and lives depended on it, Brian did not doubt that his Octava would lie to them. He certainly wasn't pure, despite his gentle reputation.

Stopping at a crossroads, Brian gazed this way and that, his head weaving in the air as if trying to track down a scent. Closing his eyes, tiny blue lights appeared in his mind's eye. Thousands upon thousands, some close, some farther away. Some were dim and almost indistinguishable from the smoky backdrop; others, like Szayel's just on the other side of the wall, were blindingly bright, obscuring those next to them.

Then he made out two that did not shine with the wavering pale blue that Arrancar's spirits tended to appear as. One, darkened and red, but huge, glowered far away, nearly half a mile across the Palace's grounds. It was next to another bright light of an Arrancar, but neither fully overwhelmed the other. The other non-Arrancar energy was something resembling a silvery opaque sphere, neither giving off light nor sucking it in. This one was, if possible, more dominating that the ominous red one.

Brian knew what he had to do. His Master was depending on him, and him alone.

The hallway echoed with the buzz of Sonído, and he was off.

* * *

*And Now For Something Completely Different*

* * *

Uryu was not sure what was worse:

Option one was fighting Szayel Aporro Grantz_-_-the one that was evil, of course.

Option two?

Handling another five minutes of Lumina's constant prattle. She had not ceased chattering at him since they had left the monitoring station in search of Pesche and Dondochakka.

"Yes, yes, so that was time Master Szayel Aporro make super-booze by accident," she finished off one of the scandalous tales. Uryu felt a twinge in his neck from looking down at her for too long. He rubbed the poor tortured vertebrae and prayed for the two Great Desert Bros to come into sight soon.

"Umm... Okay then."

"Heeheeheehee!" Lumina put both hands over her mouth to stop the stream of giggles, "You should have seen the Master. He think it normal drug he test. But BAM_-_-super-booze! He get real red in face, stagger around, make fall on Brian and then on Jesse, then say weird thing about him brother, then go asleep for long long time..." She wagged a finger, "He still no remember it happen. He think me dream it, but I talk to Brian. He see it."

"I'm... sure he did." _God, if you're there, please make this little Arrancar stop telling me things I don't need to know? That would be great, God. Or Allah. Or Yahweh. Or Spirit King. Or whatever you like to be called..._

"We come close close, I think," Lumina informed him. The Quincy perked up and peered around at the hallways. It certainly seemed to be in the right area. This was one of the long halls lined with Arrancar's quarters he had seen on the monitors, just yards from where they had first spotted Pesche.

"You're right," He sped up, walking alongside the squat little female instead of just following her. "They should be right up ahead, or at least not too far from he-"

_**THOOOOOM!**_

The whole floor seemed to ripple in a shockwave of power. Uryu crouched and managed to stay on his feet, but was too unsteady himself to help Lumina. She rolled like a ball, shrieking, into the nearest wall and crumpled there grumbling.

"Ouchie, ouchie, me knee got bumped..." She crawled to her feet, "Eeee... me not like that big boom."

"Nope," The Quincy's glasses flashed. He summoned his bow, "I don't like it either..."

* * *

*Ass-Kicking Time*

* * *

"_DAH_-dah-dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah-_-_can't touch this!"

Ilfort, transformed into Del Toro's massive minotaur-esque form, sprawled across the floor, skidding to a halt by the far wall as he dug his fingers into the white stone floors. He staggered upright, cursing the ill fortune he and the other Fracciónes had by encountering such a dangerous pair of foes. Pesche Guatiche did a little victory dance, pelvic thrusting impudently in front of his face.

"Oh yeah! Uh-huh! How you like me now, son?!"

"Grrrraaah...!" Under the bull's skeletal face Ilfort snarled and bared his teeth. Despite the aching in his shoulder from an earlier hit, he lunged forward, arms splayed ferociously and horns extending to their longest in the hope of skewering his enemy.

Pesche continued dancing about, yawning as the Sexta Fracción seemed to sail towards him in slow motion. An arm's length away, he darted around, coming up behind Shawlong and two Octava Soldados.

"U-uhh!" Shawlong twitched away, slashing reflexively at the sneaky beetle-masked Arrancar with the blades on the back of his head. Tijereta had never let him down before, yet it was getting increasingly difficult for his bladed claws to even come close to striking the pair of traitors.

"Whoops! You missed again!" Pecshe grinned. He hadn't fought anything much stronger than random aggressive Hollows out in the white desert in a very long time, and though he was rusty this was bringing back a lot of fond memories. "Here, look, this is how you're supposed to do it..."

_**WHAM!**_

Shawlong crashed into the opposite wall, narrowly missing D-Roy as he slumped to the ground. The snaggle-toothed Arrancar had released as well, appearing to be some kind of long-bodied creature with a second set of jaws where the centaur-like upper half of the human form ended. Shaking he reached out and felt the tall man's wrist. He was out cold, but still alive.

"Esheh... Oh, shit...Oh, shit... We're all gonna _dieeee_..." An Octava Fracción, in a release form that looked like some kind of anthropomorphized rabbit, shoved him from behind.

"Oh, stop whining and get in there! You can fight too, can't you?!"

D-Roy swallowed nervously and was about to grit his jagged teeth and charge when Dondochakka crashed down to the floor in front of him, an enormous mace-like weapon slung over his shoulder.

"Someone say 'fight'?"

"Don't stand there gawking,_ get him_!" The Octava Fracción leaped, a fist wound up for a punch. Dondochakka watched him come, his mask somehow contorting to mimic the face underneath-_-_bored out of his mind. When the Fracción got close enough he took the mace off his shoulder and swung out with it like a baseball bat.

_**CRRK!**_

Had there been a baseball field around, the poor Soldado would have soared into the stands. But this wasn't a field. It was a relatively narrow hallway, lined with rooms. The clubbing victim burst through one wall, then another, then a third, ending up senseless in an entirely different hallway, an Arrancar-shaped hole tracing his flight path.

Dondochakka guffawed loudly.

"Whoa, it's been a long time since I got ta do _dat_!" He swatted D-Roy away with a backhand, foiling the snaggle-toothed Arrancar's attempt at a courageous attack, "I forgot how fun it was ta bonk a baddie!"

"Heehee! 'Bonk a Baddie'? Is that like 'Whack a Mole'?" Pesche snickered, holding two female Fracciónes in a double headlock effortlessly. "We could be rich selling that game!"

"Nah, it's a knock-off. Knock-offs don't make no money," Dondochakka side-stepped Ilfort, who back-peddled desperately but ended up with both his curved horns stuck eight feet in a solid wall anyhow.

"You tell that to Disney, they'd have a good long evil chuckle at that!" Pesche spotted a big bald Fracción trying to come at him from the side and tossed the two women at him, bowling him over as he was forced to catch them instead of attacking.

"Whut is it wid you an' Disney?" Dondochakka aimed a light kick at Ilfort's exposed rear. The Espada's brother yelped and redoubled his efforts to get free of the imprisoning wall. "You got some kinda grudge from when you was livin' or somethin'? That ain't very Arrancar-like, ya know..."

"It's not a grudge from my former life...!" Pesche took up a noble and passionate pose, the cheesiest one he could think of, with his hand on his puffed out chest and everything, "It's the simple fact that Disney Corporation is a low-down, evil, slimy, no-good baby-eating, idea-stealing hovel of filth! That in no way counts as a grudge!"

"What the _hell_ are you bastards talking about?!" Ilfort screamed. The wall his horns were impaling began to crack as he heaved upwards, twisting the pointy appendages and smiling fiercely as the stone began to split. It hurt his shoulder again, but now it didn't matter. He wanted to stab him some (perceived) evil. "Damn...idiots...Not even paying attention... to your enemy!"

The wall shattered, sending fragments of silvery-white stone flying everywhere and clattering against the opposite wall.

A ripple formed in the air between the points of his horns, which then evolved into a foreboding crimson glow. A ball of reishi materialized, staining the walls with its red light.

"Eat _cero_, you pieces of sh-_-_"

In a tag-team assault, the "comedy bros" were instantly right in his face, their feet kicking out at exactly the same time, planting themselves in the center of his face. The next millisecond and they were gone, standing clear many meters away as the beginnings of the cero literally blew up in Ilfort's face.

The six Octava Fracciónes who had yet to be thrashed into unconsciousness stood back, mouths agape. Ilfort, Shawlong, and a number of other much tougher warriors had been felled easily, so what chance did they have? They cowered in half-formed fighting stances, expecting at any moment the pair of disguised Arrancar to turn on them with a vengeance.

And they did turn. But not with vengeance.

"So...You guys steppin' out of da fight?" Dondochakka scratched the back of his head with his mace, "Awww... Dat was fun. Oh, well."

"Now that the fighting scene's over, on to business!" Pesche sheathed his brightly glowing sword, letting it click coolly (but not seeming to notice that_ that sound coming from the front of a man's pants in not exactly epic_). He hadn't actually had to use it, which disappointed him. He wished there was some way to use a blade technique in a cool way that didn't involve disemboweling people. "I thought I saw a sign for a men's room down there before that guy ran up."

"Yeah, I did too," Dondochakka ambled toward the pack of Fracciónes, who recoiled in fear. He waded through them as if oblivious to their terror, "Yeah, there it is! Right back there next to dat door!"

"Whoo-hoo!~" Pesche jumped over the crowd easily. The Fracciónes winced and covered their eyes, afraid of looking up and seeing what was under there. "Great news! Cuz I dunno about you, but a good fight usually makes me kinda need a break!"

"... You're weird, Pesche," Dondochakka shook his head, trundling alongside the overly excited Pesche, "I don't think no one else's gotta pee every time they fight..."

"Who cares?! I do! So onwards!"

The Fracciónes del Octava blinked and looked at each other, each not believing that they were still alive. Gradually it dawned on their fear-numbed brains to try and attend to their badly beaten comrades. One of the girls that had been tossed by Pesche found Ilfort half-buried in a pile of wall gravel, a good ten feet into a space where thick stone fortifications were supposed to be.

"Unnhhh..." He groaned, energy swirling around him as he became too weakened to sustain the Del Toro release. His sword clanged on the ground next to him, still somewhat hot and glowing. He had a brand-new gash on his forehead and a large bruise was forming on the shoulder he had supposed to have been taking it easy with.

"Ow..." He came to, straining to lift his arm from underneath the rubble pinning it. "Damn...damn... Where's sword..?"

"Here," the woman gingerly picked up Del Toro and returned it to its scabbard, "You need some help?"

"Ow... Yes..." The female Fracción began scooping handfuls of stone fragments away from his left arm, until with a grunt Ilfort managed to free it himself. The first thing he did was tenderly paw at the new cut on his face. "Agghhh... What happened..?"

"We...We got our asses handed to us..."

* * *

*Well, This Is an Awkward Scene*

* * *

Uryu's and Lumina's eyes widened, but for different reasons. While the Quincy worked at reconciling the fact that he was seeing people that he'd been told had been very much killed in his own reality, Lumina squeaked plaintively and dashed over to the multitude of limp bodies.

"What the hell..?" Uryu followed at a measured pace, looking from side to side at the various Fracciónes, who were either knocked out or coming around and licking their wounds. "What happened..?!"

"Whhuuuuuuughhh..." D-Roy peeled off the wall he had been thrown against and crawled across the floor, bumping into Uryu's shoe. The Quincy drew his foot back, recognizing the Arrancar but restraining the immediate urge to shoot the hell out of him. _Calm down, Uryu_, he thought, _He's not the same murderous idiot that tried to kill Chad. He might still be _a _murderous idiot, but he's not_ that _one._

"Eeee!" Lumina slapped Shawlong in the face with a limp hand, trying to wake him up but only succeeding in making his head flop over, "Mister Earwig _DEAD_!"

"He's not_ dead_..." A voice from a pile of rubble grumbled, sounding remarkably like Szayel Aporro, "None of us are... Those bastards!"

He sat up with an audible crack from his shoulder, wincing. Taking stock of his surroundings, his gaze came to rest on the Quincy and stayed there for several minutes.

"Aren't you Uryu?" He brushed stone dust from his shirt, "How come you're here and not off in Alive Land with the plain vanilla humans?"

"Ummm..." Uryu was not sure he should disclose exactly where he had come from so readily. He wasn't even sure if the Fracción would believe it, or if he would try to attack or detain him out of suspicion afterwards. He decided to leave the part about alternate universes and parallel histories and whatnot out of the conversation, "Szayel Aporro called me. We're having a little...problem."

"You don't say," Ilfort sneered, struggling to stand. The female Fracción tried to stop him with both hands, pushing his painful shoulder so that he abruptly had to sit down again. "Ow, that hurts you know. Why are you abusing me?"

"You really shouldn't stand up so soon after a beating like that," she scolded. Ilfort shrugged (only one shoulder; the other wouldn't cooperate) and brushed her off, standing up with a wobble anyway, "Ilfort!"

"I'll stand up if I want to!" he growled, leaning on the remainder of the wall. His vision was spinning-_-_Uryu looked as if he were slowly sliding to the right, and with every blink the illusion would reset itself. "Ow, damn those two...!"

"Those two?" Uryu's eyes widened, "You mean Pesche and Dondochakka did this to all of you?"

"Ehh...Ehhh..." D-Roy whimpered, his face in the floor, "Th-they jusht_ appeared _like magic, then they... they..." He looked up with a look of terror, "They kicked our asshesh sho hard... I might never walk again...!"

"Oh, stop being such a baby," Ilfort tossed a chunk of wall weakly at the sniveling Sexta Fracción, "We all lived, didn't we? Somehow..."

"So you didn't... notice anything weird about them, did you?" Uryu posed. He was pretty sure that the pair that had wreaked havoc on this hallway and its defenders had been the good pair from his reality, but it was also pretty clear that the Fracciónes were unaware of the fact that Pesche and Dondochakka could be anything other that traitorous enemies. The woman Fracción cocked her head slightly.

"What_ isn't _weird about those two fiends?" Uryu found himself resisting the urge to bust out laughing. Something about her calling Pesche and Dondochakka "fiends" with a straight face struck him as intensely funny, "They were wearin' some pretty strange get-ups, though. Hunh, I guess those pillocks thought it would disguise them."

"Well, er," Uryu realized that hiding the fact that more than one universe existed side by side, and that there were ways for inhabitants of either to cross the normal boundaries, wasn't going to work to his advantage at all. "I hate to tell you all this, but... you attacked the wrong guys."

"_What?!_" Ilfort's face twisted with confusion. D-Roy didn't even seem to notice what the Quincy had said; it had flown right over him.

"Look, this is what Szayel Aporro wanted me and Renji here for-_-_" he added swiftly, before they could organize their suspicions, "Something very weird happened and, er, there's two Pesches and two Dondochakkas now. And, well... There's two Uryus, two Renjis, and even two Szayel Aporros..."

Ilfort tried to stand independent of the wall, in his shock forgetting just how unsteady he was. He was forced to flail out both arms for support as he half-fell against a pile of rubble.

"_Scheisse_!" He caught his breathe and gave up on standing while his legs still felt like rubber, "What the _hell?!_" He let himself slide down the side of the pile of stone pieces, staring at Uryu oddly, "He _didn't..! _Don't tell me they're clones. For the love of all things holy,_ please _tell me he didn't make a crapload of freaking clones!"

"They're... not clones." Uryu took a step back, glad he was able to say what Ilfort seemed most open to hear. "They're actually, well... Actually, I'm one of the extras."

The Fracciónes stared at him. D-Roy seemed to finally catch up to the rest of their understanding of what Ishida was saying.

"_What?!_"

"Well what are they-_-_you_-_-if they're not clones?"

"Erm..." The Quincy didn't like all the eyes on him. He nudged Lumina with the side of his shoe. "Can't you explain it to them? Your boss is the one who has he slightest idea of what's been happening."

"Er..." she stood up a bit straighter, "O...kay. I try."

She jumped up on a smaller pile of rubble to gain the crowd's attention.

"Hey, lookie, lookie! This Uryu, he from 'nother place, like this place but not. Like 'nother world just like this one, only weird and peoples is different. There Pesche, Dondochakka, Renji, Uryu, Master Szayel Aporro-_-_all got extras come from other place. Was big accident they come here. Goody Master, he thinking now, think of how fix." She paused and caught her breath, not used to speaking in front of this many people before, "We need find all of extras from other place. Mister Pesche and Mister Moai Mask from other place is good, but Master Szayel from other place is real real bad." She shivered, "So we gots find. Find real quick. No fight with Good Pesche and Good Dondo, beat up Bad Master."

Uryu was surprised that he had comprehended the entire speech with no trouble. It seemed to have gotten through to the Fracciónes as well. Shawlong groaned and blinked, sitting up. He had awoken near the beginning of Lumina's address.

"This seems like an...interesting predicament..." he said.

"Yeah," Ilfort nodded, "but I think you meant the word 'annoying' there..."

"Hey, where you go?" Lumina spotted Uryu making his way past the destroyed area of the hall, heading into the Mess. The large room had escaped the battle relatively unharmed.

"I need to catch up with those two," he spoke without turning, "They're still very close. Can you feel it?"

Lumina tilted her head like a dog's. Her eyes popped open wide after a moment.

"Oh!" She dashed up level with the Quincy, "I see them now! I think... that way!"

Uryu followed her long finger as it pointed towards the far end of the Mess complex. His eyes stopped on the sign for a men's room.

"Ugh," he disarmed his bow, "Why am I not surprised?"

* * *

Author's Notes:

*Szayel Aporro from the alternate universe of this story is laying on a couch with a book in his hands as the curtain goes up*

Alt. Szayel: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! The esteemed author would like to thank you all for the reviews, and wants to show her gratitude! So, without further ado...

*Servant-type Arrancar wheels in a cart with a covered dish*

Alt. Szayel: I made you all some chocolate chip cookies!

*crowd cheers, gets in line for the cookies*

Alt. Szayel: ...Now with an extra-special ingredient! These are the only cookies in existence that contain 100% of all your daily recommended arthropod proteins!

Crowd: What?

Servant Guy: In other words... "Crunchy Bug Surprise"...

*everyone spits out cookies*

Alt. Szayel: Wh-what's wrong with my cookies?! I like them! *munch* Come on now! Insect protein is very good for you!


	8. Release the Crack!

*Crack, Science, Weird-Ass Events, and an Alternate Reality!*

* * *

Section 8: Release the Crack!

* * *

"Oh dear..."

Szayel Aporro stared at the screen, concern, and a little hint of embarrassment, crossing his face. Renji spotted what was giving him grief on the viewer and resisted the urge to scoff. He should have known, really-_-_if the evil Szayel Aporro didn't give two-thirds of a shit about it, then by default the one he now shared the room with was all about it.

Though it was pretty funny to see Ilfort flopping around, legs not quite steady enough to hold him up but too stubborn to stop trying. Once again the Espada's brother shown in the image heaved himself up, trying to use the side of the wall as a crutch, but his hand slipped and he fell in slow motion, hands clawing at the smooth surface in vain.

"Oh dear," the Octava repeated. He cradled his forehead in one hand and sat back, "I was hoping Uryu would find them before something like this happened... And of course, my brother would be the one to jump in and get himself wrung out. And with that shoulder too! I'm going to have to align it again. No doubt it's out of place after all that banging around..."

"I take it he gets beat up a lot."

"Not a lot, but often enough to become a nuisance..." Szayel suddenly shivered, shaking his head, "Wait, no, what am I saying? Calling my_ brother _a nuisance, ugh, I sound like the other me. Ugh."

"Uh, no...It's okay," Renji faltered. He wasn't good at consoling anybody, especially not highly eccentric Arrancar doctor-warriors, but the Octava looked quite bent out of shape. "It's okay to find someone annoying even if they're your brother. Lots of my friends are annoying."

"Ahahah! Yes, true," Szayel smiled with his eyes fixed on the screen. Several views flashed by, including one with a lone medic-class Fracción belting down a broad hallway and darting into a narrower one. "Hmm, what's Brian doing that needs such a hurry? No matter. Let's see... I've covered every hall and all of the plazas...All that's left is the rooms. He must be in one of those..."

Renji leaned forward, eager to see where the wicked Octava was hiding (so he could personally smash him). Images of dozens of areas flicked by, most of them showing the better part (but not the bedchambers or bathrooms) of living spaces but with a healthy dose of medical wards and storage areas.

The view stopped on one such ward.

"Well, well, that's a very _familiar-looking_ fellow in that corner..." Szayel seethed. Renji followed where the Octava was pointing and grinned.

"Found him!" He straightened up and gave his zanpakuto a flick, turning it into Shikai form. Szayel started and stood up, raising his hands in a cautionary gesture.

"Hold on just a second," his voice was a bit sterner now, "From what I heard about the other side you didn't do so well fighting this madman on your own. You may want to reconsider rushing off like this-_-_"

"Yeah, well," Renji snorted, "Last time I couldn't use my Bankai. I'm willing to bet he won't do so well now that I've got it back..!"

"Still," The Octava was clearly not fooling about, standing to his full height and crossing his arms. "It wouldn't be wise. How do you know he isn't out of tricks? _I_ certainly know that he isn't," he smirked, but gravely, "And you're still not one hundred percent recovered yet. I warn you, if you mean to walk out that door and go get yourself killed or worse by that fiend before Uryu and Lumina return with your companions, then I shall be forced to stop you."

Renji growled, not particularly willing to have to fend off a non-evil Szayel just to get his hands on an evil one. As anger cleared from his head he had to admit that the Octava was being the smart one, and that he was very close to doing something very stupid. Lowering Zabimaru, the Soul Reaper huffed.

"Fine," He sat down, Zabimaru returning to its ordinary katana form again. The poor zanpakuto had to be dreadfully confused by all the bipolar transformations by now. "I'll wait. But you better keep that screen fixed on that guy from now on!"

"Already there, friend," The Octava unleashed a huge grin as he plugged away at a second, more mysterious set of controls to the side of the main ones. Renji did not see any observable effect that the Espada's fiddling had done.

"What do you mean?"

"As of three and a half seconds ago, I directed the camera system to track that version of me," Szayel leaned back in his chair and stretched luxuriously, "So now he'll never be out of our sight! The angles will keep following him, even if he goes out of frame into a place with no cameras. They'll jump right back to him the second he comes back into view."

"That's... Pretty sweet..." Renji blinked.

"Oh, really, it's not. Just simple tracking technology," The Octava practically wriggled with glee like a child at the praise. Verona looked like he was about to say something, but reconsidered it at the sight of his Master beaming. Shrugging, the odd little Arrancar reached into a pocket on the side of his uniform and pulled out a little gadget of a type Renji had never laid eyes on before.

It had buttons, and a little screen, and a colorful border. Verona was effortlessly punching away at the buttons, directing the actions of a tiny ninja on the screen, ordering it to jump, flip, and swing its pixelated sword at what looked like vicious scowling blobs of green slime. The Lieutenant stared at the game for longer than he thought anything this foolish could hold his attention.

Grudgingly he admitted that watching Verona's ninja kill zombies and blob monsters was a heck of a lot better than watching Szayel Aporro look bored and evil in a corner.

* * *

*And Then, In the Men's Room!*

* * *

"Pesche, I see you!"

The beetle-masked man looked up guiltily, coming to an abrupt halt.

"What?"

"Ya need ta wash your hands, Pesche! Yecch! You was 'bout ta just walk outta here!" Dondochakka looked disgusted even through his mask. Pesche, caught in the act, was forced to march back and run his hands under the faucet.

"Y-yeeeow! But the hand-washing water's always so hot!"

"It ain't dat hot. I drank tea dat was hotter."

"Look at that! There's steam comin' off of it!" Pesche pointed out the thin wisps that were less legitimate steam that they were the beginnings of the baby cousins of steam. "Steam equals hot, so don't judge me!"

"Yeah, yeah. I betcha you just forgot how ta wash 'em from all dat time we was out in the desert." Dondo turned to leave, "But when you's in Las Noches ya gotta be a little more civilized!"

"I am civilized, you chunky-butted monkey!" Pesche muttered under his breath, his arms crossed like a disgruntled toddlers, "And you just killed about a million trees, drying your big fat hands with about two thousand towels..."

"Ughhh..." Dondochakka's palm smacked against his mask in frustration, "Pesche...You know stuff in Hueco Mundo don't come from trees or spirity guys or anythin', right?"

"I was joking, geez! What, can't take a joke with a silly premise or something? That's not in accordance with our comedy playbook!" Pesche wagged a finger as he caught up to the larger Arrancar, "That's the whole reason Nel could laugh at our 'Cannibal Restaurant' sketch! Cuz it was ridiculous!"

Fists planted triumphantly on his hips, Pesche sauntered out the door, right into Lumina.

The little Arrancar squeaked aloud with surprise, jumping back and saving herself from falling on her back by bouncing on one long-fingered hand. As she landed, she set her slightly disfigured face into a pouting frown.

"You guys need to learn to stop doing that," Uryu stood just a few steps behind where the Fracción del Octava had landed. "It could have gotten you hacked to pieces back there."

"_URYUUUUUUUUUUUUU!_"

The Quincy may not have predicted that the loin-clothed man would run at him with arms open for a dreaded man-hug, but he was easily able to sidestep it now that the comedic duo had reverted to pretending they were lousy fighters. Pesche pinwheeled his arms and staggered, accidentally hugging air and being thrown off-balance by his wild rush.

"Actually, I'd like it better if you just said 'hi'," Uryu quickly added, seeing Pesche turn and prepare for another rush. He gave a nervous look towards Dondochakka, checking to make sure he wasn't also going to enthusiastically (See "painfully") embrace him. "You guys, come with me, and whatever you do, don't freak out or run off. There's something we need to explain to you..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey-_-_who's 'we'?" Pesche threw his hands up in the air. He was looking down his nose a bit at Lumina, keeping his eye on her suspiciously, "And why, Uryu, are you consorting with the enemy?! That's one of those two little round guys, doncha know! The one that didn't get eaten!"

"Actually, she's the one that did get eaten," Ishida corrected. Lumina squirmed at the banter about her getting eaten, and snuggled up to the Quincy's leg for comfort. Uryu twitched but allowed it for the moment.

And the Great Desert Bros were mortified. They stood in a shock, the very picture of "HUUUNH?!" itself.

"HUUUNH?!" Dondochakka's mouth could have fit two watermelons instead of just one. Pesche stomped the ground dramatically.

"Now wait a sec!" he screeched, "How the hell is that..?! There's no such thing as zombies, and ya can't just go around reanimating dead guys willy-nilly! It's not right! It's not possible! Are you losing your mind, Ichigo!?"

"I'm _Uryu_," the Quincy ground his teeth.

"Uryu, right, uhh..." Pesche's volume decreased dramatically and he seemed to physically deflate. Before he could rant on Uryu raised one hand.

"Let's just... Go back to where Renji's waiting and sort this out. It'll all make sense when we get it from the expert."

"The expert?!" The two were in chorus.

"That's what I said," Uryu turned and beckoned them, shaking off the adoring Fracción clinging to his leg, "It's really easier if you just shut up and follow me. And remember, don't freak out when we get there!"

* * *

*The Life of Brian*

* * *

Careful to keep himself inconspicuous as always, Brian poked his head around the corner into the nearby hallway. He could see the faint blue light glowing softly underneath the doors, no doubt given off by the monitors. Steeling himself for the confrontation, the medic strode out to the door.

He stared at the blank white rectangle. He'd seen his Master open this chamber before, but he wasn't sure that a lowly medic would have been given such permission to enter. After all, it was a bit important to be sure that only a few qualified people were allowed to spy on nearly a hundred Fracciónes.

He decided that any attempt to open the the portal himself might not be smart. Who knew, there may be alarms or even traps set up should an unauthorized hand light on the panel. Brian shuddered. His Master had a thing for traps, often very odd and embarrassing traps. The only good news is that they were always non-lethal.

But sometimes those caught in them wished they were dead from the shame of it. The medic remembered the last time a servant accidentally set one off-_-_the poor man left dangling by hundreds of criss-crossed needley poles, upside-down, his clothes torn to shreds from the trap shooting out and pinning him. Only a bare scrap of underpants had saved the poor guy from complete helpless nudity.

Pursing his lips, Brian knocked timidly on the door. Renji was in here, with another who seemed nearly as strong and what felt like either Verona or Lumina. There was no sound from within.

_I suppose I've got to knock louder..._ Brian thought to himself. Three knocks came again, this time with quite a lot more force. He heard shuffling from inside, and a muffled voice.

The left door, the one directly in front of Brian the medic's face, opened about a foot. Brian's breath caught in his throat. Had he not been informed that there was an imposter about he wouldn't have thought anything of seeing his Master standing there.

"Oh, Brian! I was just watching you!" The Espada smiled brightly, leaning on the doorframe. The misled medic barely remembered to keep the expression of horror off of his face. Funny, the presence of this fake hadn't felt quite as powerful as he knew his Espada to be. He concluded that he must have been suppressing his strength, but to hide or build it up for later he could not tell.

"So, what brings you by? Don't tell me there was another accident with the newbies and the security measures..."

Brian blinked. This fake seemed to have done its research. Or his research. Now that he thought about it, had his Master even explained exactly what the fake Szayel was supposed to be? Was it a shape-shifting entity? Or a clone? Or a very elaborate disguise that someone was wearing?

"Ummm..." He recalled the instructions not to speak to the false Octava, but now it seemed more telling of his awareness of the imposter to not speak. Maybe Lord Szayel Aporro had meant it to avoid his charge being coerced by the fake? Yes, that was probably it. Well, Brian wasn't having any of that.

But what to say? If the fake had even a drop of the intellect of the true one it would be very tricky indeed to bluff his way into anything with it about.

Watching his Fracción sweating and stalling in his presence, Szayel Aporro narrowed one eye ever so slightly.

"Umm, er, sir," the words did not so much come out but fell out, "There's been... an incident that desperately needs attending to. You're not...busy, are you?"

"Well, at the moment, no." The Octava admitted, "But I will be in a short while. Is it that urgent?"

"Yes, sir, it is that urgent." Brian felt his confidence coming back. So far the fake did not act like it at all suspected that he was in the know.

"Alright, well, I suppose I should go..." The Espada brushed some hair out of his face and huffed noisily, "Though I'd really prefer to wait until Uryu and Lumina are back with-_-_Oh! And here they come!"

Brian peered around. Was this false Espada mad? No one was coming. Close to thirty seconds passed before the medic could begin to sense what had been plain to Szayel earlier.

The silvery muted orb of spiritual pressure was approaching, accompanied by three other that seemed to have all the qualities of Arrancar. Ten seconds later and their distant forms, like miniatures, appeared around the corner Brian had earlier been peeking around.

"Welcome back," Szayel smiled, holding his arms out wide at chest level in a welcoming gesture, "I see you found our two trouble-makers just fine."

Pesche and Dondochakka froze with strangled squeaks. Lumina giggled as if expecting that response. Uryu gave the pair a stern glare.

"You said you wouldn't freak out," The two stared at him, gaping in disbelief.

"You didn't say nuttin' 'bout dis!"

"Ohmigosh, it's mind control! It's gotta be mind control!"

"There's no mind control, you dumbasses!" Renji had heard the commotion and leaned out of the doorway. "Do I look mind-controlled to you?!"

"Uhh, no, you look pretty scary actually..." Pesche cowered. Renji rolled his eyes at the display.

"Right, I'm_ so_ scary." The two comidic bros flinched, "So what happened to your ability to fight before this?"

"Uhh..! We don't know what you're talkin' 'bout..!"

"_Sure_ you don't. So it was just a hallucination that I just watched you beat the tar out of someone it took my Bankai to fight?"

"Uhhh..."

"WHERE WAS THAT WHEN WE WERE FIGHTING HIM?!" Renji's tattooed eyebrows creased into furious slants. "We wouldn't be in this position if you had just cut the crap and helped us!"

"Now, let's not fight, friends," Szayel stepped in between them with hands still upraised. "There's a lot to be explained here, and it simply won't get done if we just stand about arguing what would have been the best way to kill me." He glanced over towards the Soul Reaper, his visage taking on a slightly nervous appearance, "Also, it's best not to start encouraging these two superb fighters to start attacking Szayel Aporro _if they aren't familiar with the situation yet._"

"Oh," Renji cringed inwardly at his mistake, "Sorry..."

"Seriously, I was _right here_," Szayel continued, shaking his head, "Not a good idea to start mouthing off the benefits of strangling the Octava to those two before bothering to explain that there's _two_ Octavas." He put his face in his hands, "God, I wish the Renji from this world was here..."

"Gee, thanks..." Renji stopped feeling apologetic pretty quick.

"Wait, whut?!"

"Two Octavas?"

"That's right," Szayel made his face calm and benign again, looking down fondly as Lumina returned to her preferred position of hugging his leg. Spotting Verona in the door, she loped off and started watching him play his ninja game over his shoulder.

"So, let's get everyone up to speed." Szayel moved fluidly to Brian's side, "We can talk as we go. Now, Brian, about this incident-_-_you can tell me about it right after I'm finished explaining to these two what's going on."

"Y-yes, sir," Brian's mind raced. What was the fake going on about? So did it know that others knew there were two Octavas, or did it think that they would find out sooner or later? Was it indoctrinating Renji, Uryu and anyone else it could find that it was the _real_ one and the actual Octava sitting in Ward 2 was a _fake_?

He concluded he hadn't heard enough to know for sure what the imposter was up to yet. He would have to continue breaking with his Master's orders and stay with the false Octava to learn more.

"Whoof..." Brian muttered under his breath, where no one else could hear him, "I need a drink..."

* * *

Author's Notes:

*We are introduced to a scene of Ilfort, D-Roy, Edorad and Shawlong sitting at a bar somewhere in Las Noches*

Edorad: Yep, we do need a drink. Bartender! Another round!

Shawlong: I want you all to know that I think this drowning sorrows business is incredibly silly. *takes shot*

Ilfort: Well, then why are you drinking? *takes shot*

Shawlong: Well, let's see if you can guess why... Wait for it... Wait for it...

D-Roy: Sheshesheshesheh! We should play a drinking game! Ooh! I got one! Take a shot each time shomeone shays a cussh word!

Everyone Else: *Takes shots*

D-Roy: Hey, no one shaid any cussh wordsh! You guysh are cheatin'!


	9. Something Happens In This One!

*Crack, Science, Weird-Ass Events, and an Alternate Reality!*

* * *

Section 9: Something Happens In This One!

* * *

The Fracciónes thought nothing of Szayel Aporro Grantz's quick recovery from the headache and odd behavior of earlier, so it was not much of a shock to them to find him poking around once the pains receded.

A servant trundled into the ward, laden with various charts and a box containing some small samples. He stopped in his tracks and watched unobserved as the pink-haired man fiddled with an information databank. He didn't look like he quite knew what he was doing, or at least didn't know where he was supposed to be searching. His manipulating the machine was actually quite skillful regardless of how clueless about what it contained he seemed.

"Nothing's in here, nothing!" he snarled, punching away at keys faster, "None of my data, none of it's here. None of my subroutines. Nothing shows my combat reishi containment system... Nothing!"

The Fracción jumped a bit as the Octava smashed his fist down upon a desk close by the monitor he was hunched over. The desk split in twain, clattering to the floor. The servant shuddered; he knew the man was capable of much more power than that. And an Espada in a bad mood is an Espada likely to break things or injure people nearby by accident.

Still, this was the famously kindly Octava, known for disliking fighting and having more of an interest in science and especially medicine. Surely he wouldn't take it out on a subordinate? The servant thought not. He approached tentatively, setting the materials down on a different desk.

"My Lord? Is there something I can help you with?"

Szayel turned around swiftly, pausing just before his talon-like fingers closed around the freaked servant's throat.

Then, casting his eye upward, he thought better of the senseless murder. The fool hadn't seen anything to rouse suspicion anyway, and no doubt the idiot couldn't understand "combat reishi containment" anyway. Playing out his "nice" role, he let out a soft chuckle and released the shivering subordinate.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he stood up straight again from his aggressive crouch, "I wasn't expecting you to be there. Sorry about that."

"N..no harm done, Master..!" the servant-class Fracción felt his neck. Well, it could've been worse. With how strong most Espadas were he could have had a nice big Szayel's-hand-shaped bruise to decorate it for a few months or so. Or a crushed windpipe...

"Now, what was it you wanted..?" Szayel kept his tone absent-minded.

"Er, I was just asking if you wanted any help with anything." He shuffled in place. "Like, er... Say... That databank, maybe? I don't mean any offense, but when I walked in it seemed like you couldn't find what you needed..."

Szayel's eyes hardened. Perhaps he wasn't an idiot, only a little stupid. Well, it wasn't too big a threat. Even the non-blithering ones paled in comparison to his own superior intellect. Still, nothing he could have seen would have pointed to anything indicating he was not as they knew him...

"Ah," he turned away, looking at the screen still displaying a garbled schematic chart to avoid the Fracción seeing his glare, "Yes. That might be helpful... I seem to have difficulty remembering where I left a few of my defensive measure programs in the files..."

"Well, sir... That's not my specialty," He picked his way around Szayel's side so that he was level with the Espada by the screen, "But with your memory gone funny and all, I'll give it a try."

"Wonderful," the Octava hid his curling lip, wishing he could have said it more sarcastically. The Fracción did not catch the subtle distaste and began pecking at the controls.

"Well, I dunno what to tell you..." he began to sweat slightly, "But everything appears to be in here."

"And... How do you know that..?" Szayel was beginning to grow impatient. The cheek of this basic servile creature, implying it knew better than him!

"Well, you see here, sir, is the last date anyone accessed this system," The evil Octava's eye followed where the Fracción's stubby, sausage-shaped finger was pointing, "And it says only eight hours ago you yourself was looking at something in there. If it'd been messed with there would be some indication down here in the logs of an unauthorized entry..."

Szayel felt like growling aloud. The impossible seemed to have happened. He'd been outwitted by a lowly _gopher_ of a Fracción! How did he not see the date entry at the bottom? His computers had always had something to that effect, including the recording of attempted hackings. Inwardly fuming, he twisted his face into a smile and tried not to look like he was baring his teeth.

"Hmm. Well, that's odd." He turned on his heel. "I must have this databank confused with a different one. So easy to do with a short-circuiting brain, you know..."

"Oh, yes, sir." Bewildered, the Fracción reserved the urge to ask where the Octava was going.

"And it's dreadfully hot in here. I think I'll go and take some air..."

"Sure, my Lord..."

_Stupid little filthy, no-necked, monkey-faced... _The Espada's thoughts beyond this point would have exploded the brains of at least three conservative clergy members...

* * *

*And Now For Something Completely the Same*

* * *

"And so... In this reality, Aizen was an Arrancar who took over the Soul Society, and not a Soul Reaper who took over Hueco Mundo..?"

"Pretty much." Szayel smiled. Pesche scratched his head.

"And so... Does that mean everyone here that was evil in the place we're from is good here and vice-versa?"

"I... don't quite know. That certainly seems to be the case for at least a few individuals."

"G-guh!" Pesche suddenly stood straighter, his eyes wide, "Is... Nelliel evil here..?"

"Well, this reality's versions of you two are despicable, and they follow _her_ lead..." The Octava cast his gaze upward and shrugged. Pesche and Dondochakka looked at each other.

"Just don't try an' imagine it, Pesche," Dondochakka quivered, "A sight like dat might blow up our brains..."

Following Brian, who was himself not entirely sure where he should lead them, the newly formed band of unlikely Octava-hunters were being brought up to speed to the mechanics and common knowledge of the world they were currently stuck in.

The news was a bit baffling, but a bit easier to accept since, oh, I dunno,_ they were in a freaking alternate universe already so why the hey not?_

"Hmm..." Uryu hmmed, "So, wait, wait-_-_If it's the Soul Society being controlled by Aizen here, then how come you and this world's Renji have met...And haven't tried to kill each other?"

"An excellent point!" Szayel wagged a finger, "I did say they were taken over. No doubt not every Soul Reaper is jumping for joy about that, so to speak. You could probably say the same thing about the Arrancar from your world."

"Yeah,_ Uryu!"_ Pesche scowled at the Quincy, hands on his hips.

Ignoring the banter, Brian had thought of an idea. It was quite risky, but worth it to stop the false Master that was allying himself with the wicked Fracciónes of Nelliel and leading the allies of the Arrancar astray.

"Just down here, sir, it won't take long," Brian tried to make his tone apologetic as he beckoned his Master down a set of stairs. Szayel Aporro gave the band a short wave and followed his servant.

"Wait here, I'll be back in a short while," he smirked, "All in a day's work, you know." With that he and Brian disappeared down the staircase. The echoes of his voice, still flamboyantly chatting with his Fracción, could be heard for quite a while.

"What?!" Renji twitched, "He just expects us to sit here and wait?!" He slouched against the wall, "It's been two freakin' hours. I want to do something already!"

"Ummm... Not so loud, Renji..." Uryu was referring to the three or four curious Fracciónes passing by, staring at the four of them because of the shouting.

"And I can't even-_-_" Renji made a frustrated motion with his hand, to which Dondochakka slowly backed away from.

"Enhh... Let's... Let's just wait an' stuff. He said he wouldn't take long, ya know..."

"Grr..."

* * *

*And Now For Something Horror Movie Characters Can't Seem To Ever Accomplish*

* * *

Szayel didn't look it, but he was paying rapt attention to Brian as the servant led him down the staircase. He was behaving a bit weird. For one, that look of abject terror on his face when they nearly collided outside the door... Odd. Then there was this "problem" he was taking him to rectify. There wasn't much down this corridor; it was a dead-end with only a few storage rooms and small vaults. Szayel could imagine that there could be something wrong with the vaults... but it wasn't very likely. These weren't vaults where valuables were kept, things to be absolutely kept out of the grubby mitts of the enemy... Odd that anything would be missing or damaged down here.

_Odd..._

"Brian, my friend, how have you been lately?" Szayel's tone was sweet and coddling, "I haven't had the chance to talk to you all that much lately, what with the preparations... Are you well?"

"Er, I'm fine, sir." Brian muttered. He wasn't liking the turn this conversation was taking one bit. "I had a cold last week, but I'm fine now..."

"Hmm, you seem a bit feverish now," the Espada said, eying the beaded sweat running down the back of his subordinate's neck, "Are you sure you're not coming down with something? Here, I can check if you'd like..."

Brian saw the Octava's hand slipping discreetly towards him and flinched away, laughing nervously. True, he'd already crossed the line by disobeying his Master's orders not to speak to the fake, but he damn sure wasn't going to let it touch him. He feared that the "false" Octava had discovered his plan already. He had to have the same superb intelligence as the true one.

"Ah, no, it's fine, sir." He bluffed. "I-I can just check on it later, Master. There's still the trouble back here to be dealt with..."

"Ah, yes. Of course," Szayel's mind raced, then registered a solution. Quicker than Brian could object to and as casual as if this were any regular day, the Espada gave his Fracción a friendly tap on the shoulder. He observed the twitch like a horse's flanks bothered by a fly affect Brian once again. Odd... "Well, let's not dwell on that then! Lead on, my faithful servant."

The two reached the vaults. One was sealed shut, the other, larger and stronger, one, was slightly ajar. Brian motioned towards the larger one and took a step towards it himself.

"It was, er, like that when I found it, sir," he invented, "Well, I already took a look inside, and, eh... Well, take a look for yourself."

Szayel stepped a bit closer to the vault, but stayed himself at the door.

"It's a bit dark in there to see properly..." he murmured, glancing back at Brian, who was standing just a foot or so behind his Master so as not to look suspicious. "Is there a light anywhere nearby?"

"Here's one," Brian eagerly passed a common small contrivance, a lantern-like affair powered by some long-lasting Kido spell, "I warn you, Lord, when you look you're not going to like what you see..."

"I'll take that to heart then," Szayel steeled himself and leaned a bit closer inside. He was, at first, mildly surprised to see nothing but the usual excess of experimental equipment and slightly outdated machines, but the shock faded faster than an ice cube melts in Hell.

Judging his moment precisely, Brian put all his strength into one mighty push, just strong enough to bump Szayel Aporro Grantz past the threshold of the vault door. Leaping back and slamming the hefty portal, Brian could barely hear the enraged roar of the now-trapped Espada for the blood pounding in his ears. He ratcheted the combination shut as quick as lightning, aided by adrenaline and fear that the Octava might still have enough initiative to fight the door open again before it locked.

The heavy click sealed away Brian's worries!

* * *

Author's Notes:

*Brian enters, clasping his hands and keeping his head down*

Brian: Er... I want to apologize to any Szayel Aporro fangirls or fanboys in the audience for this terrible abuse... I understand now that that was the good one, and would never have done so if I knew what the Hell was really up. Er... Forgive me?

*fangirls grudgingly forgive*

Brian*grins*: But you should've seen his_ face!_ AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! BWAHAHA-*gag, cough, choke*


	10. An Epic Battle Too? Que Suerte!

*Crack, Science, Weird-Ass Events, and an Alternate Reality!*

* * *

Section 10: An Epic Battle Too?! Que Suerte!

* * *

Ilfort struggled down the hallway, aided by Shawlong and D-Roy. They had his arms slung over their shoulders in an awkward, lopsided arrangement, as the Espada's brother still wasn't walking steadily on his own. The blow to the head from the double kick was suspected as the culprit.

"Ouch, D-Roy, that was my foot before you stomped all over it!"

"Shorry, I can't walk shtraight with your freakin' arm on me like thish. You're shquishin' me here!"

"Oof," Shawlong was forced to hunch painfully once again as D-Roy pulled away from Ilfort. "You know, every time you do that my spine shortens. If you do it again, so help me God I will-_-_"

"Will you idiots shut the Hell up?" It was the female Fracción del Octava, leading them along and practically baby-sitting the visiting Sexta Soldados. "We're a few hundred meters from the ward and you can't shut up for two minutes so you can get there? Every stupid word that comes flying outta your mouths is a waste of time. You can either cooperate, or fall down on the ground and just be hurt."

The trio shut up. The woman smirked and led on.

"That's better!" she giggled, "Maybe you boys deserve a piece of candy for behaving so well!"

"Lady, we are not children," Ilfort ground his teeth as D-Roy once again staggered and irritated his wounded shoulder, "I'm thirty years old, dammit! And that's if you don't count the Hollow time or the alive time!"

"One; I don't care how old you are," she rounded on them, holding a finger up in the face of the twin, "Two; it's how old you act, not how many years you've been around. And three; I have a _name_, you know. And it's Rebecca. Not too hard to remember, yes? So _remember it_."

She turned and strode off again, a swing in her step. D-Roy whistled.

"Ehsheshe...She's pretty hot..."

"_D-Roy_..!"

"What? She ish!" D-Roy bared his jaggedy fangs in a cheeky grin at the blond man, "Jusht admit it, you think sho too.."

"Of _course _I do..!" Ilfort lowered his voice and took a sneaky glance to see if Rebecca was still in hearing range, "But I don't just go around blurting it out left and right! It's called 'restraint', you little shit. Ever heard of it?"

"Aw, shut your fashe..."

"You shut yours!"

"I wash gonna before you yelled at me!"

"Then just shut it and stop talking!"

"Why don't you shut it and shtop talking?!"

"The next idiot male to talk gets _A BOOT TO THE TESTICLES!_" Rebecca had had enough.

The boys shut up.

"That's better," she smirked, pushing open the door to the ward. As she looked in, she noted nothing amiss; there were medics and a few servants acting as aides milling about, going about their regular duties. The female Fracción shoved the door open wide and admitted herself.

Two medics looked up from their tasks over by a fume hood. As the trio of literally sore losers stumbled in they hurried over with alarm on their faces.

"Oh, Rebecca! And the Master's brother and his friends! What's happened?"

"We had the misfortune of engaging Pesche Guatiche and Dondochakka Bilstin, that's what happened." She huffed, pawing a bruise on her elbow, "Mister Grantz here got a very big kick in the face, and Mister Qufang has suffered a very powerful knock-out slap. I'd get to that first."

D-Roy tried to protest Rebecca's wish to have him treated last, but it came out as a few strangled squeaky noises and some clumsily mouthed words. One of the medics took the dizzy Ilfort off Shawlong's hands and had him sit in a comfy chair off to the side. The other found a seat for Shawlong soon after. A third who had been listening kept her snickers to a minimum and went to D-Roy's side, having to push him rather firmly to get him to move along to a seat of his own.

"Now, before you guys freak out and stuff I gotta tell you something," Rebecca announced, earning the attention of each of the some dozen Fracciónes in the room, "There's some weird crap going on. Those two, Lord Szayel's nimrod brother, and some Soldados including myself fought Pesche and Dondochakka, sure. But we found out that due to this weird crap that's going on there's basically 'good guy' versions of them running around. We... ended up attacking the 'good guy' versions..."

She paused, a tic crossing her face in impatience as a low murmur spread throughout the medic audience.

"Yes, thank you," she sneered at one very short medic Fracción who had spoken last, his voice awkward and obvious. He lowered his head until her eyes were no longer on him. "And while I'm at it, I'd better tell you that there's also a..."

She froze and her words trailed off, her eyes on the small door leading off into a room of databanks.

There stood Szayel Aporro Grantz, Octava Espada. Standing in the ward with an ambiguous smirk on his face, even though she knew her Master to be elsewhere with the party of displaced heroes.

"Well," the Espada's smirk slowly turned into more of a devious smile, "Whatever is the trouble?"

"Him..!" Rebecca became speechless, numb from the realization that what stood before her was not really her Master. Ilfort's brow furrowed and he gripped the armrests of his chair tightly.

"It's the other one!" the Octava's brother howled out a warning, "The one that came from the other universe!"

"Very well done, my imbecile brother," Szayel was in front of Ilfort before the Sexta Soldado could blink, "I must say, if my real brother had had this little glimpse of sense maybe I wouldn't have taken him as a specimen..."

Ilfort shivered. Fighting his twin when in perfect health was a losing battle to begin with, even with the Octava actively trying not to break him in half. What chance did he have with this sinister version, and wounded on top of that?

"Th-th-the bad guy one?!" D-Roy squeaked. The Octava grinned and his eyes flicked sidewards to glance at the scrawny little Soldado.

"Ahaha, really. 'The bad guy one'. How very droll, you puny maggot." D-Roy cowered as Szayel turned his attention wholly on him, the effeminate thin frame somehow becoming towering and intimidating, "Hmm, just as I suspected. A copy of the world I knew. A few things switched around, of course, but really quite the same at heart." The evil one whipped around, catching one of the female medics who had just caught on to the Espada's true nature and was trying to slip out while his back was turned.

He snagged her by the back of the shirt with two crooked fingers, slamming her down roughly onto the floor.

"I wasn't done, you whore," he gave a large, humongously inappropriate smile, baring all his gleaming white teeth, "Now stay there until I'm finished, there's a good girl. Right, where was I?"

He thrust his face back close to Ilfort's so close the blond twin could smell Szayel's disturbingly cloying breath.

"Ha, whatever differences there are, they don't amount to a drop in an ocean to me. Look at you, for instance. You seem even more watered-down and pathetic than I remember you! And still only marginally worth keeping alive..."

"You... _bastard..!" _Ilfort overcame his shock and emanated death at his "brother" with his eyes.

"Incorrect use of the word," Szayel straightened up, sniffing as if offended by his genetic copy's very normal breath so close to his face. "Not that it surprises me. Now hold still. Do try not to make this too hard on me; I only just got over a nasty headache..."

The Soldados braced themselves for a fight they could not win. Rebecca stepped up, barring Szayel's way to the three wounded warriors. She drew out her zanpakuto from the sheath at her hip, which took the form of a highly curved long knife.

"A headache'll be the least of your problems when I'm done with you," she smirked, "Scum! You're not fit to lick my Master's boots clean. If you're gonna fight, then do it. I'll be happy to take you with me to Hell..!"

* * *

*When In Doubt, Cut To Goobers*

* * *

"Grr..."

"Eheh... That's a scary face, Renji..."

The Soul Reaper looked at Pesche as if he were stupid.

"Yes, it is a scary face!" He growled and slumped against the wall, "It's supposed to be a scary face! I'm pissed as Hell here!"

"Just be patient," Uryu crossed his arms. "He's coming; he said it'd only be a moment."

"It's been at least ten moments! Where the Hell _is_ he?" Renji was tempted to take a look down there himself, and might have in a few seconds had Brian not poked his head around the corner, red in the face and puffing from his race up the stairs.

"Sorry, sirs..." He panted, "It...It's going to take longer than expected..."

"#$%&!"

"Renji," the Quincy shook his head, "We don't need to hear that kind of language. Just say 'damn' like the rest of us."

"I got tired of 'damn'!"

"Eheh... Er, anyways," Brian stalled and stuttered, rubbing the back of his neck to free it of nervous sweat and hoping it action looked natural, "Lord Szayel Aporro told me to take you on ahead, and he'd catch up with us once he's fixed the, ah, problem..."

Brian was troubled by how easy that last lie had been. But perhaps it was worth it to obey his Master's orders and make sure the false Espada (or whatever he was supposed to be, clone, doppelganger, etc.) was safely secured somewhere.

Before he could ponder the morality of his actions any further, a wave of energy whooshed by them, emanating from the western side of the Palace of the Octava.

_I was just over there..!_ Brian thought, _Wait, that's..._

"It's Szayel Aporro's reiatsu!" Uryu straightened in less than a second and had his spirit bow ready. Renji said nothing, and had his Shikai bristling in his hands a millisecond later.

"Who's he fighting?!"

"I can't tell at this distance-_-_his aura's overpowering any others close to him."

Brian was almost left behind as they sped in the direction of the aura. Pesche leveled alongside Uryu, gasping heavily as if he were struggling to keep up.

"Umm... Why are you doing that?" The Quincy gave him a weird look.

"Because... *gasp, choke*...It's funnier this way..!"

"Well, knock it off. It's not funny anymore, just very dumb." Pesche dropped the matter. Dondochakka sighed as Pesche fell back a bit to join him.

"Sad, ain't it? They learn we ain't weak or nuttin', an' they still ignore us..."

"Have faith, my lumpy friend!" Pesche puffed out his chest, "We still have time to prove our worth! Onwards! To the epic battle scene, where we shall be cool for once!"

"Shut up and run!" Renji glared back at them, tired of the heroically loud shouts in his ear, "We're kinda dealing with a serious fight here! So stop being so damn annoying!"

"... Okay..."

"Thank you!" The Quincy and Soul Reaper turned back. Pesche fell even further behind.

Brian found he could keep up with them, but only just barely. They were headed straight back toward the ward where Szayel Aporro waited. It was almost perfect, he didn't even have to do anything to convince them and they were headed right for him.

But the trouble lay in their attitudes! It seemed to have been ingrained in them that the Octava in the ward was some kind of imposter, and the one he'd trapped in the vault was the one they should follow. But Brian trusted his Master.

And like any good Fracción, they put a great deal of thought into not getting their Espadas into dangerous situations. And now what amounted to an angry mob of four very strong fighters was rushing headlong towards a conflict with the Octava.

Szayel was an Espada, yes, but he was not among the strongest of them. Aside from Aaroniero, the Novena, he was physically the weakest.

And even Espada-level strength and reiatsu was not all that mattered in a fight. The odds were somewhat lop-sided as they were. Brian knew he had to even them.

He reached into his shirt and rummaged carefully as he could while in Sonído. His hand connected with a very unusual object to be found tucked into a man's shirt.

A zanpakuto. But more specifically, one that took the form of a small blow-dart gun.

* * *

*The Fight's In the Next One, Isn't It? Dammit!*

* * *

It was thoroughly dark for a moment. The echoes of the Octava's enraged bellows died away until the only sound he heard was his own breathing. Groping in the dark, his hand encountered the Kido lantern where it had fallen. It was the work of a second to turn it on.

"Well, that was rather sucky, now wasn't it?" He spoke to himself. His eyes wandered to the massive door sealing him into the black, echoing place, "Could be worse, though."

Setting the lantern down on a large busted apparatus near the vault door, the Espada dipped a finger into one of his sleeves, under the wrist. He drew out a tiny device, almost small enough to fit on the end of a pinky finger with no risk of falling off. A press of a button and the object emitted a tiny blue light.

Szayel closed his eyes and let his strange invention do its thing. Immediately he was aware of where his servant Brian was headed.

"Ahh... Got you," his grin would have made passing birds stop flying, "Hunhh... I've had enough of this sitting around for now...Now, to business!"

Brian, whatever strange things and misled ideas were going through his mind, had underestimated the power that Espadas (even weak ones) were capable of. It was no small feat to break out of such a strong container, but then again Espadas were not known for their inability to do amazing things.

"Right..." Szayel muttered to himself as he went into an aggressive crouching stance by the door, "Lift with the legs, not with the back. One...Two..."

_**SKKKKKRRRRREEEKK!**_

He dug his fingers into the bottom of the door's seal as if they were talons, partially piercing the metal it was constructed of. Then, with one violent wrench, he tore the freaking door in half.

"Ooh, ow, jammed a finger..!" Szayel dropped the mangled remains of the door with a hefty clang, sucking on the mildly discomforted digit out of reflex. He looked up and his eyes hardened, his head twitching about as if trying to hear something.

"Hmm." It was bad news. With the help of his device he was now tracking Brian, but he could also sense that the inter-dimensional travelers were on the move. And they were moving in the same direction as Brian. And all towards the place where his wicked alternate version was obviously preparing to unleash a private Hell on some unfortunate.

Szayel sighed and hastened to catch up to them.

_Damn all this fighting, _his inner dialogue continued with itself, _Every time I try to do some serious research or_ _experimentation-_-_bam_,_ fight. And who's always got to break it up? Me, of course, who else? The one Espada who values their body parts highly? Sure, send him in to possibly get them chopped off! Makes perfect sense!_

_ Still... _

Outwardly he gave a short chuckle.

_I look damn sexy when I'm kicking some ass..._

* * *

Author's Notes:

*Verona and Lumina hop up onstage*

Verona: ... *is playing the little Las Noches Gameboy knock-off thing*

Lumina: Hi hi hi! Author say this, she like reviews, and also the doughnuts. So brings some of both to her! Make author very good happy!

Verona: ... *is still playing the game*

Lumina: Verona... Verona..? Why you still play game? Save and quit!

Verona: No! I almost to level thirteen, get to cut off demon lord head...!

Lumina: *sighs* Verona is boy. Verona plays video game. *pulls out a doughnut* Therefore, Verona good candidate for much experiment time.

Verona: ...What?! * immediately saves game and hides it*

Lumina: Okie-dokie! That work! Now you help carry doughnuts to Lord Szayel Aporro!

Verona: *grumblegrumble*


	11. And NOW To the Fighting!

*Crack, Science, Weird-Ass Events, and an Alternate Reality!*

* * *

Section 11: And NOW the Fighting!

* * *

Brian lined up his sights, centering the trajectory of his blow-dart gun on whom he felt was the strongest of the party. The red-haired Soul Reaper continued on regardless, never knowing that the meek servant behind him possessed the power to knock him out cold as easy as sneezing.

The misdirected servant checked his aim one final time and fired a dart laden with mystery tranquilizers right at the back of Renji's neck.

_THIKK!_

"Ooch!" Pesche slapped at the place where the dart had struck his flagging arm. The limb had, in the strangest and perhaps weirdest timing ever, stuck out right in the path of the dart and took it instead. Before the beetle-masked Arrancar could find the dart with his fumbling grasp Brian hastily willed it to disperse into a silent puff of reishi.

"Whut was dat for?"

"Something stung me, or maybe bit me," Pesche rubbed his armpit and found a mini-drop of blood, "Ow! That had to be some kind of monster mosquito to do that!"

"Shit..." Brian mumbled to himself. Taking Pesche out of the fight was alright, but he would've preferred to secure the Bankai-user. A Bankai meant a Captain-like strength, and Captains were the one major threat to Espadas. Brian wondered if he could get in a second shot before the fast-approaching ward came into view.

"Pesche, pick it up, man!" Dondochakka peered over at his lagging friend, "Why ya movin' so slow all a sudden?"

"I dunno... Feel kinda sleepy..." Pesche wobbled, having difficulty sustaining a proper Sonído.

"Run it off! We're kinda in a hurry here!" Renji's bark temporarily shook Pesche into wakefulness. Both he and Dondochakka sped up, but no one but Brian took note when the loin-clothed Fracción suddenly appeared to faint and drop to the floor.

Brian skidded to a halt in front of the unconscious Arrancar. What to do with him now that he'd knocked him out, he had no idea. But he had at least took an opponent out of the nasty war about to be waged on his Master.

Then a thought struck him. Could the allies of the false Octava be persuaded into reason somehow by using the comic Arrancar? Perhaps they'd hesitate to attack with Pesche Guatiche's neck between them and Szayel Aporro.

Brian shouldered the limp body, ignoring the urge to roll his eyes when Pesche mumbled something of a naughty nature in his sleep.

* * *

*FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!*

* * *

Rebecca was slowly coming around to the fact that Szayel Aporro had never really used his full strength in front of her before. She deflected his latest sword swipe, loathing the playful smirk painted on the evil Espada's face enough that she longed for there to be a way to rip it off. But that was not likely to happen.

Nor was she likely to come within a foot of even hitting him.

She spotted Szayel flitting alongside her too late, and with a snarling grin he planted a knee in her chest. Rebecca crashed to the ground, her zanpakuto skittering across the floor and coming to rest just under an operating table.

"Tch-tch... To think a pathetic little creature like yourself would even think to stand up to me!" Szayel fluffed some hair out of his face and stomped on Rebecca's prone form. "You can't hope to beat me. None of you can. So... I suggest you all shut your ignorant mouths and fall in line..."

Ilfort tried to stand, but Szayel was on him in less than a second, tipping his chair over before he was fully out of it and sending him sprawling. Ilfort sucked in a painful breath at having landed on his bad shoulder.

"You... You go to Hell..!" Ilfort growled. His good arm shifted slightly, hand creeping toward his sword. Szayel did not see-the alternate twin was shielding his movements with his body.

"Ha!" Szayel cackled, lifting his head and preening with a pair of crooked fingers, "The utter incompetence of your thought process never ceases to amaze me...!"

He was cut off, nearly in a literal sense, as Ilfort whipped Del Toro low at the evil one's ankles. Taken by surprise, the Octava only had the chance to lift one foot out of the way before the blade bit him.

"Gyaah!" Szayel fell back, crouching with his hair cascading over his face, hissing as he breathed. The sword had gone in deep-_-_for a Soldado trying to do battle with an Espada-_-_slicing the top part of the Octava's stylish shoes completely off and revealing a moderate gash that seeped a fair quantity of blood. Ilfort was mildly surprised that it wasn't black and putrid, or at least an alien green.

"_You_..."

Szayel's eye gleamed under the curtain of pale pink, the normal amber taking on an ominous reddish tinge. Ilfort scuttled to his feet, holding the blade out to keep some distance. He backed into a chair and upset it. The medics and injured Soldados took one look at their dangerous enemy and flattened themselves against walls and objects, seeking something that wouldn't get tossed around that easily.

"_You_..." Szayel repeated, his voice no longer chirpy and slightly fruity, "You... YOU WILL_ PAY _FOR THAT!"

_Tziing!_

"Ow!" Szayel turned at a sharp new pain, sticking in his back. Looking over his shoulder, his face turned grave as he examined the luminous blue projectile jutting from the meaty part of his back right by his arm.

"Correction," Uryu paused just outside the threshold, another arrow locked and loaded, "You're the one who's going to be paying..."

"Whoa! Dat's an awesome line!" Dondochakka was nearly weeping at the theatrical genius of the threat. Uryu's shoulders slumped as he gave up trying to rein in the Desert Bros. "Ain't dat so cool, Pesche? ...Pesche? ...Pesche!?"

"He was behind me," Renji shook it off, his Shikai eagerly hissing and glowing a faint red, fully prepared to go Bankai any second, "He'll catch up!"

"But I don't see 'im..." Dondo's comically huge fake teeth gnawed briefly on his fingernails as he cast a glance back down the hall they had come from. "Uhh...I don't feel good 'bout dis..."

"He'll catch up," Uryu reassured the big Arrancar, "After all, he's not as incompetent as you two were letting on."

"Hmph!" Szayel faced the three in the doorway, plucking the Quincy's arrow from his shoulder with three fingers and snapping it. Ilfort could see the thin drip of blood running down the Octava's back from the tiny wound, but despite its lack of severity the sight gave him confidence. "Coming up from behind again, eh, Quincy? You seem to favor that position..."

"I favor any tactic which hurts you," Uryu snapped back. Renji's face turned a shade of pink not unlike that of their enemy's hair as the secret meaning of Szayel's words suddenly dawned on him.

"Hurt? You think_ that _hurt me?" The Espada burst into a seizure of maniacal laughs, "That was only a mosquito bite, a mishap with a thumbtack at most! You really are much stupider than I bargained!" His slender hand slid across his torso and took an unorthodox hold of his zanpakuto, "Well, enough of that. You lot were lucky to survive the first take, but you won't make it through take two..."

Slipping the short blade out, the evil Octava pointed it at them. An ominous reddish glow lit up the confined space. The Soldados' and medics' eyes went wide and they all dived for cover, knowing what was about to be unleashed.

Uryu darted backwards and then sidestepped out of the cero's path, but Renji stepped up, grinning. He gave his Shikai a swift flick, and from it burst a jangling collection of bony segments, the space in between glowing with a fiery substance. A monstrous head like that of a serpent's skull burst out of the ruddy light and lunged towards the Soul Reaper's foe, shrieking like wind.

"Heheh... _Hihio_ Zabimaru." Renji sounded like he was enjoying himself, snickering like a child who'd just set up the perfect prank.

Szayel Aporro had to force himself to not look panicked. Yes, he knew the strength of the Bankai was not quite up to his own level, but... it was still too close for comfort. And as much as he hated to admit it, he was not in the advantageous position. He sent the cero forwards, hoping it would slow or even dismantle the massive serpentine weapon striking out at him.

_**THOOOM!**_

The whole palace seemed to shake, and the red of the cero was cancelled by the fiery energy of Zabimaru. The giant vertebrae fell apart, clinking and scattering onto the floor in a heap. Szayel bared his teeth in a grin of triumph and came at the Lieutenant, convinced he had won.

Uryu decided now would be the time to join in the fun of finally having an even shot at the madman. What looked like one arrow became hundreds as it left the spindly luminous bowstring. Szayel saw the blinding bank of projectiles approaching in his periphery and halted his attack, dropping to the floor and breathing raggedly as the swarm zipped by just inches from grazing him. Uryu leaped directly over the Espada and readied another arrow, this one a highly lethal Seeleschneider. It buzzed as if it were full of angered hornets as it lit up and was drawn back.

"Sh-scheisse..!" The Octava didn't remember ever having to fight so hard to not get damaged. He was rusty and unused to real combat after a decade or two with his devices to help him out. He was having to dig deep into his memory to recall how to even deal with being directly attacked!

"Dammit. He's a little too slippery still," Uryu tracked the flight of his foe as he once again managed to elude his missile. The Seeleschneider had whipped by inches from spiking the Arrancar's head, burying its head in shame into the white stone of the floor. The Quincy stooped for less than a second, snatching up the silvery cylinder for reuse, and took aim again, "Are you _done_ putting your Bankai back together yet, Renji? I can't keep this up on my own!"

"Just give me two seconds!" Renji focused hard on the femur-like handle of the weapon, and the reddish glow returned. Fire flew out from between the joints of Zabimaru and the massive burning snake came alive again with a grating hiss of hot coals. "Yeah..! That's what I'm talking about!"

Renji's grin would have terrified children.

The red and white alliance continued their assault, driving Szayel further and further down the hallway and farther from the cowering Fracciónes that had miraculously managed to escape harm. Szayel threw everything he could think of at them: More ceros, balas, slashes when they got close enough, feints, even trying to escape into side-ways. At every turn his attempts to fight back were snubbed-either blocked by the gigantic Bankai or cut off by a flight of painful arrows. Whenever he feinted to the left to avoid Renji's giant bone snake, there was the Quincy ready with a thousand arrows centered on his face. Whenever he ducked out of range of Uryu and tried slinking off down a corridor, there was the head of the grotesque monster, snapping at him and sending jets of whitish-red flame after him like the most pissed-off dragon in existence. He was starting to tire already. He had one last ace up his sleeve, but the issue was using it. If the constant attacks kept up he wouldn't possibly have to time to release it...

Szayel turned a corner and found himself facing an imposing wall. His putrid heart stopped. Turning slowly, he winced as he saw the beastly Bankai turning the corner into the cul-de-sac, fangs bared and wisps of flame licking at its chops. The Quincy darted in over the serpent's head, hovering on a platform of spirit energy and nocking the Seeleschneider to his bowstring.

"Oh... Scheisse..! D-damn..!" Szayel clung to the wall farthest away from his opponents, cowering at the knees, "You... You haven't beaten me! I'm still stronger than both of you! This isn't fair!"

"Yes it_ is_, you pretentious ass." Uryu smirked and aimed.

"Heheheh..! This is the first taste of fairness you've probably ever had!" Renji and Zabimaru both seemed to be smiling like sharks.

Dondochakka waddled in, his mace over his back, frowning.

"Bah. I'm not gonna get to have no fun here, ain't I?" He kicked a fragment of ceiling that was somehow on the floor, "Wish Pesche could see this..."

"If anyone touches the Master, then your friend suffers!"

Everyone turned, even Szayel, with a stunned expression on their faces. Brian stood out in the adjoining hall, a barely awake Pesche slumped limply on the floor. The medic's fingers were clenched tight around the two ends of his blow-dart gun zanpakuto, holding it tightly across the second half of the Great Desert Bros's throat. He gave a small squeeze to show he meant business, and Pesche groaned as his air was temporarily cut off.

Szayel was pleasantly surprised. The medic wasn't as pointless as he looked. A viscous grin spread across the evil one's face.

Uryu and Renji stared with mouths agape. The Quincy lowered his bow by a fraction, not wanting to give the hostage-taker the idea that he would shoot now. He was not betting life. Renji's brow knitted and Zabimaru slithered an about face, now glaring down at the tiny traitor with its pupiless stare.

A sound of a single applause made them peer back over their shoulders. Szayel stood up straight, clapping slowly with a smug expression lifting up his face and drooping his eyelids.

"Bravo, Brian..." He twirled his zanpakuto and tasted the razor-sharp tip briefly, "I knew I could count on you..."

* * *

Author's Notes:

*enter Alternate Universe Szayel, Pesche, and Dondochakka*

Szayel: The SUSPENSE! The DRAMA! The THRILLS! The FIGHTING! *gets nosebleed from drama overload and faints*

Pesche: Whoa! *knocks on door marked "Author-_-_Do Not Disturb"* Hey... Miss Author Lady..? Couldja maybe, I dunno, tone it down a bit..? You're givin' the good Espada guy a nosebleed...

Dondochakka: *gets nosebleed and faints*

Pesche: Ummm... Now that's Szayel and Dondo got nosebleeds... The suspense is...er, too much. Can you tone it down..?

*cricket chirps, Pesche gets curious and opens door*

Pesche*from inside*: WHAT THE $%&! Is that a FURBY?! NOOOOO! THE AUTHOR'S ONE OF THE ENEMEEEEEEEE!


End file.
